Media Culture

So over the past 2 days I watched three Asian Movies.
It never really occurred to me but our culture spends A LOT of time with media
entertainment.

I always laughed at the people who spend hours watching dramas etc. but i think after these two days i understand why its soo appealing.

Anime, Video games, Soap Operas, American T.V. shows w/e. its all the same.
I think the above covers 100% of what our population spends most of their time on period.

All these "stories" that we make to entertain ourselves are really reflections of what we want our reality to be. Don't we all secretly think "i wish i could be this character" I mean look at all those cosplayers out there and the Asian kids who try to get anime looking hair. Though if you really think about it; it looks sorta stupid.

Everything is simplified.
The main character has only one desire/goal that will grant them eternal happiness.
There's only 5-6 main characters that interact with each other
They are all simplified with one or two traits.
That is essentially "the world"

Soo many things are trivialized and unrealistic.
killing with no/little consequence
The main character seems invincible, everything magically misses him.

People seem to have this unspoken connection and a series of romantic accidents causes them to fall "in love" and of course all the relationships are nice and defined.

For the main character everything worksout
and in the end the couple is "together"

I always wondered what happened after the couple gets together?
What would be the actual outcome in reality?

"Pleasantville" a movie that portrayed what could happen if 2D T.V. characters were brought in the "real world" .......its beautiful.

We of course know that those things never happen in real life.
But the question is why do we long soo much for these fantasies?
Can these things happen in real life?

I think we all want to find "that person"
We compare our romantic life to the ideals of those in Asian dramas
Good looking, nice, unselfish girl/guy
only to be let down because people aren't like that in real life

We want POWER we want to be the STRONGEST we want to be able to kill people with just a pencil, pilot a robot suit than can own everyone else or have some sorta of SUPERNATURAL ability that makes us SPECIAL
Better than everyone else.

We change ourselves in pursuit of these images.
and when they don't happen .......we move on to something else/someone else
hoping that this time.... they'll be the one.
this time I'll find "true happiness"

Even if we achieve these images would we really be satisfied?

I start to get sick after watching T.V. for too long it really is a waste of life.
I start to lose focus on God.
Everything becomes clouded.
but in my soul something sill wants more

Jesus said he was the living water
sounds whack but soo true.

it all comes down too
thirst for
Love.

Happy Endings

and they lived "happily ever after"
no one really believes that fairytale endings happy in real life.
we pursue it and seek and make movies about the the happy ending that we want.
but no one really believes that it can happen.

"happy ever after never happens for good"

I disagree.
happy endings do happen.

The ending that is love.
the ending that is God.

Through God the best ending of all happens:

No ending
a truly happily ever after

the suffering we face on this Earth because of our own sin is no more.
and the love that we seek throughout our whole life is found.

what is wrong is made right.
Justification, Sanctification.

and the love that we seek throughout our whole life is found.

my happy ending is just beginning
or maybe my unhappy beginning is just ending.

no i am heading toward my happy unending that begins with the unhappyend.
O God makes the wisdom of his plan seem foolish to the world.

and the love that we seek throughout our whole life is found.

Failure?

Impulse strikes
I was bored.
So i decided to go for a smoke.
my friend happened to have cigarettes.
and a lighter
and we were tired of studying.


it was wrong? yes.

Your body is a temple of God
Be a good steward to what God has given to you...
In everything whether in word or deed do it in the name of Christ.

Funny thing:
i knew the whole time that God was there....
I had a hard time lighting the cigarette
not just a little eventually my friend had to light it for me
and but that time she was done half of hers so she just switched with me.
so i only ended up smoking half of it

....but i just tuned the voice out because i wanted to be amused.

it was weird cigarette minty...

After the smoke:
did i feel guilty?
just a little

but i did think of why i didnt feel horrible
was it because my soul was corrupted?

I came to this conclusion:
everyday of our lives we commit a crime agianst ourselves and God (sin)
but we do it soo much we don't take notice
Checking someone out" technically is a sin
talking out someone in a negative way
not doing homework
skipping class
eating in class

they all seem stupid and insignificant no?
but the truth is...its all the same.
a little bit, a lot
who measures how "sinful" a sin is?
only the sinner
cuz its the same in God's eyes
no matter what
sin will still corrupt the soul bring suffereing and ........death.

diffeent stages? yes.
but the disease is still there

You can't say
Othat person has HIV
but its not AIDS yet
soo they're not sick.

So I am the worship coordinator of KNA
I run the youth prayer meeting
I share about what God has been doing in my life.

and I sin.

There is this impossible expectation that as a leader in the church you need to be perfect
if that were true then no one should be a leader

I am not trying to justify sin.

So sitting around after
a thought crossed my mind
"maybe i should just give up theres no hope, i mean if me a person who is supposed to be more Godly then the rest of KNA.. screwed up then were all screwed"

but thats not the point
the point is:
that I know i have a problem called sin
and i want to be free from it.

I've tried doing my own way and it doesnt do much
it just ends up bringing more pain.

So i want to live the way God called me too
but of course ... there is a struggle against myself
its a process im learning

but the cool thing is i can still talk to God
because of Jesus
I am thamkful for that everyday

Mirror

Everyday is a fight for my life
Every hour is a struggle to love
When I look in the mirror I see him standing,
Taunting me as I work to control.

Look at him smile so slyly
Ready to make his move
I gotta stay focused or I'll lose control
Kill the demons that seep my head

Must keep in mind that I got nothing
Not working for myself,
But for Christ and His Kingdom
Bringing the broken to love,joy and peace

So i keep moving on though everything opposes me
nothing wants me to be freee
but when i keep my eyes on Christ
Nothing feels painful
all else is shameful

(Dis)Connected

I want to do something
Because everytime I see the disconnected souls of my friends
I cry.

I wish i didnt have to watch them go through lie after lie only to be hurt agian and again. .....they become a little more broken each time.

Just when I think "maybe this time....they'll come home"
Something else comes up to take them down another dead end.

and all I can do is watch.
I would rather be trapped; then to see all the people i care about trapped.

I wish it was as easy as just telling them the truth.
but really its soo much more than that.

they have to want it for themselves
they have to be willing to change before anything can happen.

I wish i could do more..
i wish i could love more
I wish i could understand them more so i can HELP them more.

So as i sit here tortured by the thought that my friends are dying.
I pray to God in heaven:

Hallowed be thy name.
Your Kingdom come, Your will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven.

you are the God of all these people
even though they do not know.

so:
bring hope to their hopeless lives
bring peace to their stressed out hearts

Shine Light in their darkned souls.

You love these people beyond our imagination
You want to know them you want them to know true joy and happiness
You want then to be connected.
That is why i am here today.

Your will be done

In the Name of Jesus Christ
Amen.

BaDUMP

where is the heart? the driving force?

all actions no feel
all knowledge no passion
all reflex no thinking
all good intentions no God intention
all self no sacrifice

first we sing songs
then we say a prayer
then we read a verse
then we play a game

first we talk about our lives
then we talk about what we want God to do for us
then we ask him to grant our WISHES
then we leave

blah blah blah BLAH

We HAVE to do it this way
in a way that WE WANT
a nice orderly way
we have to make sure EVERYTHING goes AS PLANNED
no "overtime" for worship even if God is working
NO extra time for the sermon ..even if the speaker is inspired by God
we need to make time for the next service to start... (*why can they worship with us?)

We plan soo much in the NAME of GOd but really we ain't doing what he wants us to do
we're only guessing.

Where has that led us? tooo the crusades, to corruption, to massacres in the name of Christ, in fact it has led to bringing down the Kingdom more then furthering it.
We are called hyporites for this very reason.

God Forgive us all.

same old same old
a deathly routine with NO LIFE
drainnning our SOULS
worse than the pagans for at least they have some excuse

We pray like this:

Dear God,
Thank you for this day (really?)
I ask for this
I ask for that
May your spirit guide us

throw in some fancy "GODLY" sentences to make us seem spiritual and full of life.
Its a TAPE RECORDER press PLAY and save for another day
"wow i sound good"

In Jesus Name Amen.

We SAY we KNOW GOD
but In REALITY
we ONLY KNOW OF GOD

What does God want you to do?
"i dunno"
....Well have you asked him?

"I CAN't HEar GOD "
hmmmm well how do you PRay?

is that even called prayer?

"im not sure..if thats what God wants me to do"
How do you know if you don't try?

I see dead ppl in our church.
headed for hell.

Kids that are SERIOUSLY messed up
from their previous Generation...

DESENSITIZED
it is a SPIRITUAL

DISEASE that has infected
the "Christian" teen.

"LEt YOUR WILL BE DONE"
but we dont let it BE done.

save us GOd
our lost generation

give us the HEART the spirit
the power of Life to LIVE

We are a body...without a heart
we are Dead.

We need RADICAL CHANGES
but we hold on to our INSECURITES.

We all will FALL DOWN
we are barely hanging on.

trust
love
faith


CHANGE SACRIFICE
for the CHURCH our CHURCH
the Church..... of the next generation.

in the Dark

Lights off
you don't need to see when talking to God.
Its more of a distraction when you can see.... is what i thought

So in the dark I sat waiting on the Lord.
it made no difference if my eyes were open or closed eveything was black.
The only sense I had was hearing.

For the longest time I had lost most of my faith in humanity
I felt like it was almost impossible to bring any of my friends at school to God.
It seemed like I could do nothing but watch.

While sitting in the dark a thought crossed my mind:
When all you've ever known is darkness.... you don't know what light looks like.
You take the darkness as your reality it is what feels ...familiar even comfortable.
You learn to depend souly on sounds because that is the only sense you can use.

When i was used to the darkness the weirdness i felt at first went away.
but then as my body adjusted, I started to see light coming in from the cracks of the door. I got distracted by how pretty it looked seeping into the cloud of darkness.

It was then that i remembered this verse:
But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people.
Galations 5:22-23 -the message

"a basic holiness permeates things and people"

Part of me wanted to get closer to the light
but at the same time it hurt my eyes.I wanted to stay in the darkness because it was what i was used to.

and there was no sound to tell me otherwise.

I was reminded that God created people to be Holy to live in the light
so it is natural for them to be drawn to "light" even when they live in darkness
In fact the light stands out that much more admidst the dark.

Sound and light are two diffeent things
you can't hear light you can't see sound
its the same with the physical and spiritual.

but we must keep in mind people are both physical and spiritual
they can "see and hear" even if they have never "seen" they have the ability too.

For the longest time I was looking at how to bring someone to Christ

From the view of:
An atheist
A gangster
A smart asian kid
A skeptic
A seeker
A teacher
A FOB
A white druggy kid

From the how the world sees things.
and i felt defeated with no hope.

Yet I failed to see it the way God does.
He does something completely different to draw people to Him
wAYs that i cannot fully understand.

but it is the ONLY way.
We were created to be Holy
Therefore we are drawn to holiness
and as Followers of Christ we are to be "HOly as the Lord is Holy"
How do we become holy? by letting God reflect in our lives
How do we let God reflect in out lives?

By PRAYING to him and getting to know HIS HOLY NATURE
"IN HIM is EVERYTHING, Without Him nothing is made that has been made"

That is the light in the darkness
that is the only way to bring someone Christ

NOT through winning arguments
NOT through bringing them to church
NOT through.....the ways of this world

FIGHT

We walk in to fight
but we are unprepared.

As soon we set foot on the battleground, it's gameover before we even take our first step

And yet we make the same mistakes over and over agian, day after day.
It happens so often we take it as "normal"

We charge in with no direction
We charge in with personal agendas on our mind
we charge in ignoring commands

so we charge in already defeated.

We ask "Why aren't lives being changed"
but maybe we should ask why aren't i doing what I am supposed to be doing?

THAT is what separates the noobs from the veterns

Noobs run around impatiently shooting aimlessly and quickly fall into traps,
Done for the battle or greatly hindered from doing anything else.
Some are too scared to even leave the trenches, they cower in fear and watch as their comrades fight
Some even think that they are DOING something by staying back and they scoff at their comrades who fall.
but they don't get up to help them

But the disciplined solider
Listens to the Commander's plans
Trusts that what he has been ordered to do is important
He is not discouraged by the bleak situation of the battle but
He has faith that even though things look bad if he does his part;
the battle will be one step close to won.
He looks out for his fellow comrades and help those he sees.

He is in contant communication with his Commander
Informing others about traps that have been set or asking for assistence when he is in trouble.

Most of all he is focused and prepared
He thinks of NOTHING but the battle
He is in constant alertness, ready at all times for new orders.
He continually trains himself to be better prepared to fight.
He's not stupid enough to go in battle with no armour.....

Eternity

"Live for eternity"
I heard this phrase used on my first missions trip to Mexico.

As I know God more the less i seem to "belong to this world"
I don't pursue the things that everyone else seems to.
I finally understand what it means to "live for eternity"

As a follower of Christ my life is no longer restricted to death
instead there is no end just BETTER things that are coming.
When i think about it; "dying" will take like.... not that long and then I just continue living agian LOL

Think of it like this:
We are not actually scared of dying but we are ACTUALLY scared of the unknown and being separated from the people we care about....being alone.

but as Christians WE KNOW whats gonna happen and we wont be separated from those we care about (the church) instead we'll SPEND FOREVER with them!

Now i dont know the exact technical details.... but
I guess the thing you would want to aim for is to dye in between all the other people you know.
Cuz if you dye first then you won't know anyone except God which is cool but it would be amazinger if you knew some other pplz
IF you died last then you'll be alone in a painful. old, ugly body haha
but... if you dye in the middle then you have ppl to look forward to meeting agian and ppl to keep you company as you wait to "dye" LOL

or maybe when we dye....time fast forwards and we all wake up...0.o

Many times in church we say we have "eternal life" but we never LIVE like we have it. when i live in light of the limitless life i have, EVERYTHING changes.
Things that I placed in high pririty before have less importance on my "to do list"
I don't pursue things that will not last instead I look for things and pursue things that WILL last.

and in the end what will last?
YOURSELF and PEOPLE
RELATIONSHIPS

FIRST with GOD
then with others

...the thing is.... not EVERYBODY has eternal life.

When i picture Heaven I see all the GOOD things that happen on Earth multiplied by a bajillion. Some of the best times I had were with my friends.

So when i put two and two together
for this "temporary" phase of my life I want to bring people to LIVE IN ETERNITY . I want people to truly have LIFE.
I am FIGHTING for an ETERNITY that everyone can live happily in.

Being not of this WORLD ...is living in light of eternity.

Life Past: Music

A bit about my life...

When I look back on my Jr. high/early high school years the thing that consumed me the most was: pride and self ambition.

Growing up in my old church the person I looked up to the most was my fellowship counsellor. To me she was the coolest person ever. She played guitar, drums, bass, piano, sang and she was in a super cool band that had a few albums released. She was the person who encouraged me to start playing an instument. I guess you could say I started getting into music because of her. So i started learning guitar then swithed to playing bass.

I remember practicing open string picking and scales for hours on end. I would sit at home with a metronome clicking away at 60 bpm playing whole notes.
I brought my bass with me on vacations and just sat inside the resort practicing.

I quickly realized that I was getting good fast. My teacher never praised me though because he knew I was getting too cocky. He would always pick on the smallest things that I did wrong "O that one note wasn't clear start agian" "your thumb is showing, stop having crappy technique"

This pissed me off and fueled me to go home to practice even more to show him off the next week.

The one thing I remember my teacher saying to me is "Your the fastest learning student I have had but don't let it get to your head you still have a long way to go"

Something you should know about me: I want the best, I want to be the best.I won't settle for less. Im not easily satisfied

In the back of my mind it was my goal to be better than my teacher.
In the back of my mind i wanted to make a band even better than my counselor's.

So I started grade 9.....
Right away I made some jamming buddies.
but I wasn't satisfied, they weren't good enough to be in my band.
They had nothing on me when it came to music.
-I did end up playing in the school's battle of the bands.
-Starting writting songs
started doing worship ....
Everytime I was on the worship team in my head I would be criticing the other team members "drummer's off time, has crpapy fills" "guitarist has no chops" etc.
I thought of being on worship team as a chance to improve myself to experiment musically.

End of grade 9
I got the chance to fill in as the bassist for Level 7 (counselor's band)
They were gona play a concert In panama and some of the memeber's couldn't make it.
I leveled up like crazy practicing and playing with them.
They were seasoned performing musicians SICK

Grade 10:
I joined TC worship
I also improved alot and I learned how to separate worship and performance in terms of music. I learned the "heart of worshiping"
I really thought that God wanted me to do something with music after doing TC worship.

SO i also transferred to UHS an ARTS SCHOOL. I really hoped that i would be able to find muscians that were good enough to start a band with......but i was disappointed.
They were all claassially trained. in other words: noobs

The one big thing that happened this year:
I left my church. My counsellor had been trying to help me along in my musical carreer. She helped me form a band and helped me record a few songs but I wasn't satisfied with the people. So i told them striaght out: "I don't want to work with you I think you suck. I wanna do my own thing" So I decided to go explore... to find the right people. I wanted more....
I talked to my counsellor before making my choice but in the end I chose as she said to be "a loser" HAHA She said something like she "can't look after me anymore"
and i was ok with that.

When I look back on my choice it was one filled with pride and selfishness
I lost something important that day but I didn't really realize it.
I hurt alot of people and I'm sorry for that. If i could go back I wouldnt have said somethings but i would have made the same choice because this was a part of God's Plan.

The next part of my life wasn't the best part. I did alot of things... and lets leave it at that. =)

I guess at one point I realized the truth and how pointless my ambitions were.
and so I began the journey to find God and His purpose for me...
I started going to MCBC and got to be part of the church.
and I grew and learned and had many other experiences.... that help me to grow as a person and in God.

The funny thing is:
As i started getting to know God and his purpose for me
I started to do music less and less
It makes me sad becasue it is definitely something i love to do
I would love to start a band and have the songs that i've written be played and heard.
For now I'm called to do other things.
Maybe someday God will have a use for the musical gifts he has blessed me with.
but for now I say good bye to my dream...because I know that God's dream for me is better.

---------------------------------
Yesterday I went to my Counselor's (now Pastor) Wedding.
I saw my old church friends and I guess a part of me regrets leaving. At the same time if I didn't leave I would not have met the amazing ppl at MCBC and i would not be the person I am now. So haha its trade off.

Seeing my counselor getting married really made me think about the future and what plans God has for me. She moved away to go study in Calgary, so last night was probably the last time that I would see her for along while. I wish I could talk to her and tell her the amazing things that God has done in my life through her.
I guess I'm gona have to wait until we get to heaven or if im lucky if she comes back to visit.

The other cool thing that happened last night was that I was able to see for the first time the different plans that God has for different people. I was sorta able to understand the job God gave to my counselor and the I was also able to compare it to mine and how different the ministries are. And then i thought about it some more and it sorta blew my mind away because its all for God's kingdom in the end. I dunno It sorta made me go "wow" at how awesome God is. How the body is soo huge and how its so different but at the same time its stil the same body.

OKKK so to end off my super long blog
At the weddding I was able to say goodbye to my childhood.
I bid farewell to the last "phase" of my life
I thank God for the people who were there.
I think I'm ready to move on now to other things, to greater things.

Joyce and Jon
I hope we meet agian.

In Christ,
Evangel Tam.

Hide

Awkwardness
Seriousness
Silences
Reality

NO Quicky drown it away with a stupid joke
Laugh it off
Leave the room
Listen to music
Text a friend
Play a game
Pretend your not there
Go to sleep
Watch TV.

Anything to hide from the truth.
to cover up the screaming in my heart from being exposed.

I don't want anyone to know who I really am
I love to live in lies
I would rather die than have the truth exposed
I would rathr kill than have the truth revealed.

poor souls.

Hey Girl

Hey girl did you find what you were looking for?
is It EVERYTHING you wanted everything you dreamed?
I only wish the best for you so if this is what you need
Then I'll Wait for the day when you come back agian


Redemption where are you now?
Wheres the peace and the hope that I once found?
Gone in an instant, in a blink of an eye
And now im lost and broken can i ever befound agian?

Theres more, so much more than what you seee
so much to this world then then what you think you need
GO beyond the false asumptions, past your hearts desires
There you'll find what you've been looking for all this time.

Hey girl, did you know that time is ticking?
The world that you though would last is going to go fast
Stop before its too late, stop this is not your fate
Come back to the beginning before you reach the end

Desolate

Tonight I saw many things.
Tonight I saw through a different perspective. I saw for the first time what was always there but not always seen.

Here is my New Year's Eve story:

I did not really plan anything for New Year's Eve. I sorta thought that things would just happen to work out, so I did not really worry about it till night of.
I called a few friends to see what they were up to and I ended up going to a gathering at a really rich girl's house. It had: Four garages, indoor swimming pool. indoor squash court, indoor sauna, hot tub, mini gym, mini bar just about everything. It turns out that the people there were the grade 11's from RHCCC. I saw a few famililar faces from SNA: Jowelle(MC) and Emmanuel (drummer). Didn't know anyone else and it was a little awkward since there weren't that many people (i thought it was an actually party lol) but I was already there so what else can I do but make the best of the situation I'm in. So of course I didn't talk much, took time to get to know the dynamics of the group. (like 12 ppl) So it was church gathering or church friend gathering we went to eat and yea hmm I dunno if it was just cuz I was there and no one really knew me and im an intimidating person.. but no one prayed. Someone brought it up... but how can i say this everyone was too embarrassed? I think after like 10 minutes of "no you pray" Someone prayed ..but more as a joke than a prayer. like the mood I got was "im ashamed to pray I feel like a loser but ill pray because i have too"

The thing that sorta threw my off was the fact that there was a lot of swearing in the conversation and perverse coversation topics/jokes. This was coming from the kids who did SNA. Its not just a few ppl but pretty much everyone. I could feel that people were doing it just because they wanted to fit in. (many fake laughs)
The whole night I saw a group of people who were TRAPPED.
They were insecure and wanted to feel accepted. I could that they wanted to look cool but they were the most sheltered kids ever. They thought drinking alchohol was the cool so they tried hard to get some and drink it. just because (it was pretty funny/sad)

I saw the weirdest couple. The guy was just really horny and i swear just felt up the girlfriend the whole night. The girlfriend clearly didn't like the intense amount of physical contact but didn't say anything and smiled and pretended like it was ok. But her ....body language, her eyes gave it all away. I wondered to myself "if she didn't like it why did she let it continue? was it because she didnt want to make the boyfriend angry? because she needed something to depend on? is this really how a relationship should be like?"

The boyfriend, funny guy I think he thought I was cool or something cuz he sucked up to me the whole night. I wondered to myself "the girl is so pretty why would she go out with a jerk like him" This guy he spent so much time putting up this image, this barrier. There wasn't one time were he was "real"
.....It wasnt even the cool image it was more of a childish/stupid one. I dunno the point is it was fake.

What I saw:a group of people caught up in lies.
It was sad, depressing and a part of me wanted to take their fake world and smash it to pieces. They were asleep.
Yes a part of me wanted to do it but the other part couldnt cuz the other part of me was also trapped. I know it seems like all i have been doing is judging people but im not this is just what i see and i know im not better im just as messed up as anyone of of those guys.

Our generation, my generation is desolate
it was been without
TRUTH, LOVE

GOD

for far too long
our generation is dying; if we do not do something it will soon die.
the harvest time is here, the harvest time is now.

its time to wake the sleeping souls.
no more illusions
its time for reality.

GOD do you hear our cries of pain? We long for your LOVE
yet we do not even believe you exist.

FORGIVE US WE ARE FOOLS
WE ARE NOTHING

I want to help save my generation
but how can i if i cannot even save myself?

FATHER, FREE ME SO I CAN FREE OTHERS
USE ME CHANGE ME I AM YOURS
THERE IS NOT MUCH TIME LEFT.

WE NEED YOU
WE WANT YOU
WE CRY OUT FOR YOU

EVEN though we say the exacte opposite sometimes....
WHY DO YOU STILL LOVE US?

HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP
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