DTS

today was one of those days where God decided to test me.
it was hard...very hard.
oemmgeee
I think I passed though. >.<

Its hard to love when your heart is out of whack or when the hearts of the people your called to love is out of whack. Its even harder when its both. I'm sensing a lot of bitterness. Maybe its just me, sometimes I get overly paranoid. Whatever it is wether it was myself or others or both or the devil or all. I had to fight through it and force myself to not run away but to talk, love and encourage as best as I could.

It definitely God who gave me the strength to do it whatever it was I did.
2 Corithians 1

The God of all comfort and compassion.
I definitely need that to overflow in my life everyday.

DTS

Die to self.

it doesn't matter if no ones talking to you DTS
go talk to them.

it doesn't matter if people don't want to talk to you DTS
forgive them and find people that want to talk.

it doesn't matter if the people your talking to don't like you or have something agianst you DTS
love and be real

when they ignore you? DTS
your not doing it for your own glory but for JESUS

when they insult you? DTS
they insulting Jesus not you, know who you are don't let others define you


1 Corithians 16:somewhere
"Do everything in love"

"Overcome evil with good" -somewhere in bible
there's no other way

cuz your fighting agianst the principalites and darkness of the hearts of people.
so you gotta make sure your own heart in is in the light to shine it into the darkness and expose it.

Paul was fighting agianst the Corinthian church talking behind his back in 2 Corithians. His very character was being compromised. What did he do?
He appealed to the truth of God to defend him. He let the light of God in his being and character be the defense agianst the lies of the evil one.

Don't worry about the hearts of others or what they think of your heart.
Just focus on your own heart make sure its in the right place at all times. Pray and let God use that to do the rest.

"If God is for me? Who can be agianst me?"

Limitless

So for the past few months God has been trying to tell me something but every time he did I couldn't interpret it right. It happened 3 times the first two time I was FREAKING OUT because it felt like nothing I understood was what it was but at the same time it was. My mind was so set in the thinking that God's will and plan was singular and one. Which is true and also not true. So when God opened my Spirit to experience and see some of His limitless possibilities and creativity of course my flesh got confused. It still is. It wasn't until the third time God revealed this to me that I got it. Thanks to a friend who was there to explain. I know this blog is just bleh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is Don't put God in a box. The things that we think are set in the way we perceive reality is not necessarily like that in the way God see's things.

Is everything predestined? yes and no
Is there only one plan that God has for your life? yes and no
Are there more than one potential partner for you? yes and no.

Confusing? yes and no

The best thing to in response to this is
"Fear God and obey his commands"

juat BE and stop trying to do things to try to change your reality
it is what it is, It'll be what it'll be
As Christians our job isn't to change the world (thats God's)
its to uphold who He is in the way we live our lives.

Uncomfortable

I feel weird going back home to live in luxury.
I feel uncomfortable being comfortable.
I don't need all this stuff; it makes it harder to focus on God.
I think when/if I grow up I will definitely NOT want to be stuck living the suburban middle class lifestyle.

I feel trapped and confined. Like its sucking the life out of me.
I want to go live like Jesus.
Cuz its only in His presence where I feel comfortable.

Lately God has blessed me with A LOT of money. I sorta wish I didn't get so much of it cuz I don't know what to do with it. I feel like giving it away or something.
At least I can pay for Urbana =)

Last Week

Its not going to be an easy last week.
I'm tired and running out of love.
Today was pretty crazy.

Need some wisdom, self control and discernment.

A little Humilty

So lately God has been telling me some heavy things.
Things about life, things about myself.
Revealing to me where my giftings are at and a whole lot of other stuff.

I need prayer so i don't get too proud with the position God has put me in
and also prayer on how I can use what he has given to me to glorify His name and help those around me.

Also for support in general.

thanks

I'm being hated on ....>.<

So if you haven't read the most recent comments on my blog.
They have been very uh..... derogatory =(
Being mocked for the name of JESUS

It makes me a little sad and happy!

Please keep praying =)
thanks yous.

Crazy Battle

Today was crazy. One of the leaders got sick last minute and had to leave the other went to a conference in Montreal. That left us with 2 leaders to do everything and 20 youth. The ratio is supposed to be 1:6.

On top of that the youth were possessed today or something.
There was stuff going on everywhere. I could feel something was off.

The key to the battle is too be able to control your emotions and not get angry. To be able to be patient and respond with love in every situation. Its tempting to respond in anger but a Christian does not overcome evil with evil but with good.
Its hard when the kids talk back to you, don't listen to you, tell you they don't like you and are always going into the kitchen trying to steal food.

I saw a lot of things today.
Some of the kids are caught up in some serious stuff. They don't understand the consequences of what they are doing.

On the surface things appear to be ok, but when you look deeper things are far from it.

There's a battle not against the flesh, but against the principalities of this dark world

Pray

Stretched

This whole week has been pretty crazy and tiring.
I can feel myself growing.
The people that God has placed in my life are all crazy spiritually mature people.
I am humbled. It pushes me to mature more and more.

God has been revealing to me the spiritual warfare that goes on. Its heavy stuff.

?

One of our camp supervisors was sick all last week and then today we found out that she resigned from Urban Promise due to health reasons. All last week of camp was pretty chaotic but we thought that things would get better when she got back. It came to a shock to everyone at Urban Promise. She was the newest supervisor and was doing very well and suddenly she isn't?

So right now we have no supervisor for kids at Camp Victory.


Pray

Queens

So i applied to queens concurrent education program.

$200!!!!!! 0.o soooo expensive
i felt so guilty when i asked my parents

anyways pray for this because my chances aerent that great
but i trust in God

Trial --> Temptation

The battle is getting more intenseeeee.
This week had its up and downs, its always a struggle.
We are concerned about some of the youth..the girls especially some of them are off..
The more experienced leaders know their background doing some sketch stuff and their only so young.

we don't know what they do outside of the program its hard.

anyways satan is attacking throwing some temptation my way. for now I feel like the Father is here giving us strength but I gotta stay alert or I might get owned.

pray.

Freak of Society

I'm a freak of society
Pushing against the current of humanity
Don't Desire the world's vanities
To run after those is insanity

I'd rather hear a sermon than watch T.V
I'd rather do a bible study than go bubble tea
Rather sing praises to God than sing karaoke
Rather love the homeless than watch a movie.
I'd rather read my bible than any other book.
I value the heart more than good looks
I'd rather pray than waste my time macking on girls
I treasure God more than anything else~
I don't need to gratify the desires on my sins because He satisfies the longing deep within.

I've gone off the deep end into the insane
but there is soo much love, grace, peace, joy and power in Jesus' name.

Grace and Peace

2Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. -1 Peter 2:2-4

The answer to ALL things is to know God, to understand Him better and experience Him in new ways.

God has been teaching me many things. So much that I have to be very careful not to get overconfident in my faith and be reminded that it is only by His grace that I know Him the way I do.

The way I see things has radically shifted a new light to past things.
It feels a little weird not suffering for once...for now.

thank you for your prayers.

My Everything

Can't stop thinking about you night and day
I need to hold me tight
I wanna be with you, all the time
Only you can satisfy

and your beautiful so damn beautiful
I'm crazy about you and your crazy love

Your my God
Your my King
Your my Father
Your my everything
My closet friend
My jealous lover
My everything

and I need you.
can't live without you
Please don't ever let me go

In my times of trouble You are there
Your the one that gives me life
When I'm crying you cheering me up
You bring a smile to my face

and your beautiful so damn beautiful
I'm crazy about you and your crazy love

Your my King
Your my God
Your MY Father
Your my everything

My closet friend
My jealous lover
My everything

and I need you.
can't live without you
Please don't ever let me go

I love You

All for You

I think I can safely say that I all I have left is the Father.
I don't even know how I even survive each day.

And Here we Go Again

Another Adventure in Evangeland.
Where will this take us? I dunno.
the waves are rocking to and fro.

We were finally able to start bible study today =)
It was GOOD.

Hang on, its just a litter further.
Don't give up GO GO GO!

Vanity Fair

So today I stayed at the apartment and ended up going through the book of Ecclesiastes and also started to read "Pilgrim's Progress."

Reading these two books brought to light what things are really important and how I should always be watchful and cautious about every aspect of my life.
Its so easy to get distracted, deceived and not know it.

MEdia

Now that everyone knows each other and the initial "get to know each other" part is over, I must say that media 2010 is quite the interesting group. I never would of expected it to be so different. Its going to be an exciting year.

I think I'm finally settling into intern life.
Took some kids to church today ..sorta except there wasn't a children's church so they were bored lol.

Trick or Preach

On the bus today there was a man preaching the word of God.
He didn't care who listened or about anyone's response. He was there to preach the truth of God's love. After he was done he just got off calmly and left.
He wasn't preaching on a condescending manner or with a lot of pizazz, but somehow there was power in the words he was speaking. The boldness that only the Spirit can give. I think we should all be more like that

Also accompanied my kids trick or treating (not take) it was soo....at risk.

Going to Stratford this week.

Born Into Brothels

-Watched a documentary on the life of kids born in the brothels of the red light district in India. It made me want to go get a teaching degree and give those kids an education at any cost so they won't have to be live in such injustice.

-Celebration Night tomorrow I'm excited my girls are doing a black light worship dance and it looks SICKKK.

- Today one of the kids snuck into the kitchen and grabbed A BUTCHER KNIFE and proceeded to chase and try to cut another kid.

Just another day.....

Life?

One year a lot will change. I went back to MCBC for men's cell the other day and was surprised at how different the basement looked. It symbolic for me. A physical representation of the change that is happening everywhere around me.

Things will never be the same.

I remember saying something like "I won't miss this but I will treasure it"
Now that I look back... I do miss it. Growing up is bittersweet. On one hand you have a strong desire to push forward but on the other hand your scared of losing the people that will be left behind in the process. You've grown to much to go back but your reluctant to move forward.

Lately, God has been showing me gifts and abilities I had that I didn't even know I had. Its exhilarating but scary at the same time. When I start to piece together who I know I am so far, all my talents and gifts it all comes down to one thought: God is going to use me to do crazy things. He definitely didn't create me for a "normal" life. I think I would die or boredom living a normal life anyways.

Where will I be in 5 years?

Be Persecuted.

Small groups today

Studying early Christians, the cultural context in which they lived and comparing it to how we live in the world today.

Its soo much easier to be a Christian when your persecuted than when your not.
In North America it seems dry like God isn't really present. In other countries across the world where its hard to be a Christian, God is doing amazing things that just blow my mind everytime I hear about it. In North America when we're NOT persecuted we get "bored." We end up doing more damage than good. We fight amongst each other, worry about things that aren't important and end up being so comfortable we forget about God. Whereas if we were being persecuted all the stupid things wouldn't matter and the important things would really be brought into light.

What really amazes me is that during times of intense persecution is when the body of Christ grows the most. I think to the past when the early Christians were persecuted by the Romans. They were being killed left center and right, but in the end Constantine ended up declaring the empire a Christian nation because of the amount of Christians! I also think of the countries today that are doing the best spiritually: China, India, Iran etc. I mean in China over the past decade over 130 000 000 people have become born again even under persecution.

In North America, its hard to be Christian when our nation is supposed to be "Christian." We do these things in the name of Christ that is completely against his word and tarnish His name. Leaving people skeptical of God.
Its almost impossible for the world to be able to tell those who have the light of Christ within them and those that don't and are using Christianity as a brand.

We get sucked into lies that cover the true light of Christ.
Its the small things I hear things like:

"Its ok to put school ahead of God"
"God wants us to get good marks in school"
"God calls all of us to get a degree and go to university"
"That idea is to crazy you got to be responsible God wants you to take care of your life"

All whack.
God calls us to give EVERYTHING up for His Kingdom.

That means we can't expect any of our plans to workout. We have to be open to what God is calling us to do day by day because it could change very fast and unexpectedly. Sometimes we're so set on something, we deceived ourselves into thinking that OUR plans is God's plan.

We're not called to get 90's in school and kill ourselves studying. We are called to do everything to glorify the name of God. That means to use the abilities that God has given to us to their full extent and to have a good attitude when working but not to lose sleep and to WORRY over it.

I've had some pretty crazy ideas but there are always these voices telling me that its stupid or that I haven't really thought about it.

We get this idea that being "safe" is "Christian"
but when I read the bible its COMPLETELY opposite.
I mean the early Christians weren't safe they SOLD EVERYTHING they had. They had NO security they depended on God for everything.

We tell God we long for Him and we question and ask Him why it seems like HE isn't working. Yet we don't give Him much of our lives to WORK with.
___________________________________________

Camp today was good. God is doing awesome things.
Pray for wisdom in how to train the older youth to be mature leaders.

The Story

Come Children and listen to the story
The story of God the King of Glory.
Since the beginning of time,
Father, Son, Spirit existed in perfect rythme.
His love was so great he couldn't help but create
People He could fill with His love who in turn could create to show more love.
Everything was perfect. Everything was good.

But you see then we were all deceived. Tricked into eating the forbidden fruit
and thats when sin started to take root. Becuse of our lust for power what was good turned sour.
The serpent was to blame and since then we've been trapped in his evil game.
Held down by our sin unable to win.
but God the main character
In His love promised a saviour.

Christianity ain't no philosophy, epistemology, ideology
its a......lifeology made possible only through God the Father
who sent His perfect Son Jesus to be slaughtered
so that we can be called His sons and daughters

yeah, so that we can be called His sons and daughters

In Him we have life that is beyond this life.
We are free from our sins that are hidden deep within.
Given a hope an inexpressable joy
A supernatural love that sanctifies our souls.
A clean start a new heart.

We've all been down to the bottom
We all got stories when we've hit rock bottom
When the pain is so great you think that no one can relate.
Every day is a fight there seems no point in doing whats right.

its in those times when God does His heart surgery
and heals our spiritual injuries
Changing us to who He wants us to be
Revealing truth so we can see true reality.

In Christ you are more than a conqueror
Through him you inherit the Holy Spirit who gives us power to face
each challenge that comes as we run the race.

So
Bring Glory to the Great King.

All Around Downtown

Went to the Argos game with the kids today.
Good times. Except the game was boring.

God worked and I didn't have to do a thing.
The kids came across a homeless person and started talking to him, then a street musician I could see they really got a lot out of just talking to them.

They're starting to talk about God more and asking questions which is good.

The only incident we had was a kid almost getting hit by a subway because another kid pushed him.

"All Asians are rich man stop lying"
"man why do you people always have awesome talents your taking over everything"

-quotes of the day from my kids about asian ppl LOL

The other day we had a class on preaching.
I am required to prepare a message deliver it.
awesomeness

UH...Rapped?

I was really tired today.
Made a lot of mistakes.
but also learned a lot.

For the celebration night on the 30th the girls at camp are doing a black light dance
They were doing their dress rehearsal today... and it was beautiful.
It took a lot of effort to get them to concentrate during practices but it was worth it.

The love language of this culture is very different. A lot of more physical. Which is completely opposite of the Chinese culture. It gets time to adjust to.

So today after camp all leaders except me had a meeting. However they did not know that SIX of the girls (the most hyper ones) were still in the building. So as I'm getting ready to leave they all run into the gym and jump on me. They are vicious. I kept trying to get them to go home but they wouldn't leave. Things got really physical. At Urban Promise it is against policy to have any physical contact except for high fives but I really had no choice. I tried.

I think it was after I gave up that I realized that they were just playing and this is how they showed love.

Suburban Promise

SO this morning was my first day volunteering.
I was placed in the grade 1+2 split class.
Definitely not in my comfort zone, but God has been placing me out of my comfort zone for so long now, being comfortable is starting to feel uncomfortable.
Anyways this was a catholic elementary school and they happened to have mass today.
It was a new experience I must say. It felt extremely awkward as they were praying to Mary 0.o

I also did not understand half the ritualistic things they did or even what they meant. All I heard was a lot of monotonous chanting like robots.
and I wondered... where was God?

Anyways I decided to go hangout with the kids during recess much to my teacher's surprise. They all jumped me as soon as they saw me. LOL
It felt nice. When the kids are in their school environment, it makes it easy to tell how much they love going to camp. Its like home to them a sorta church.

The difficulty we're having right now are with the highschoolers who have gone through are program and come back to visit while struggling through tough times. The good thing is that they remember the love of this place and come back to it but the bad thing is: We don't have a highschool ministry, making it impossible to care for them in the way they need. We help set the foundation but....after that its in God's hands really.

Imagine what a huge difference the church would make if they opened their doors for 2 hours everyday after school to students around their area?

When I think of MCBC doing this I can see so many lives being transformed in a real way. I can see whole high schools changed for God.
Unbelievable things would start happening.

"Suburban Promise"

family?

Today I got a glimpse of the families in which some of the kids live.

There was a huge fight today. One older guys was fighting with three of the younger kids who were ganging up on him. I had to restrain the older one physically from beating the younger kids.

Since it was a fight we had to suspend the kids.

We took one of the kids home and explained what happened to his grandmother.
Of course the kid lied about what actually happened so the supervisor had to tell the truth. The grandmother didn't believe us though she yelled at the supervisor for 20 minutes about how her kid shouldn't be suspended because he didn't do anything wrong. She justified the kids point of view.

After camp we met one of the dads. He basically told us that revenge was the right thing to do. If someone wrongs you its ok to kill them.... He told us that he would BEAT his kids FOR us. HE seemed like a 14 year old in a grown man's body
...and THIS is the father of a 4 year old kid?

today was a hard day.
Where do we even begin?

______________________________________________

Finally starting volunteer placement at the school tomorrow.
I was looking forward to sleeping in too >.<
sigh*

Not by Works

God has been teaching me many things.
Its hard almost impossible to write it all out.

Sometimes I feel really out of place when I'm with people
who aren't as passionate for God as He has made me for Him.

Something huge I have learned is that it is God who changes hearts to love Him.
Its impossible for us to love Him on our own because our sinful nature contradicts Him.

God works in people's lives differently and in different times.
With the apostle Paul His change was immediate and fast
but with the disciple Peter it took awhile going through a lot of challenges before he was ready to minister.

When I see things in this way its hard for me to judge others because I know that its not anything I did but what God does.

One Victory!

Worry. stress.
I think in our culture its normal to be stressed, worried.
but the thing is .....its a SIN.

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"

"Do not worry about tomorrow"

commands right out of the bible.
Its easy to forget that

As followers of Christ we should reflect Him. I don't think Jesus stressed about all the people he had to save or worried about the little time He had on earth before He died.

When we worry it shows our lack of faith in God.
Really its an insult to who HE IS.

When we worry we're telling God that we don't think that He will or is able to take care of our future, our problems.

On top of that worrying kills our spirit makes what was hard...impossible.
as Christians a lot of the battle is in the mind.

That was me. I was so worried about tonight.
but somehow God set me straight and I walked into camp trusting in Him.

A lot of unexpected things happened

The start of camp was rough. The Tyndale student were running late. Youth were coming in late. New kids kept coming. Grace and I were running around trying to keep things in order. Tyndale students didn't really know what they were doing, they were scared of the kids.

but in the end God worked in an amazing way.
The Tyndale students were able to share their testimonies with the full attention of the youth. They were fully engaged taking in everything that was said. We haven't really been able to do bible study with the kids so today was a small victory.

It was really encouraging to meet new brothers and sisters on a different path. It was weird because they we're first year students (same age as me) but I couldn't really tell because they all seemed so mature. Overall it was just good.

Its On

Somedays things seem fine because on the surface it is.
Other days you feel the battle raging deep inside the hearts of the youth.

Today was one of those days.

Things went pretty well in the behaviour sense.
People wise, the leaders are starting to see and be more aware of various issues.
All of which come from an incomplete/poor family life.

The balance during camp is very delicate one thing could tip it the wrong way....

I dunno why but sometimes I get scared of the youth. Its like I can feel this evil presence clinging on to them, blinding them, deceiving them.

One things for sure: There is a heck of a lot of invisible stuff going on behind this camp. Its been hard to teach anything from the bible.

Its also been refreshing to see God work. I always tired and worn out but as soon as camp starts I get the energy to love. Its like God zaps me with power for those 2 hours.

Gradually I've been building relationship, trust, respect from everyone youth, street leaders other interns. (its all God through me)

I've also been given more responsibilities. Being entrusted with more.
This Friday my supervisor is gone speaking on a youth retreat and both street leaders are gone. One is in the hospital and one doesn't work on Fridays. So its just me and a placement student named Grace running program. To make it more interesting 21 students from Tyndale University are coming to help. Its my job to feed them and plan a program which they can lead in which youth will enjoy and grow.

Pray for me.

Easy Day.

I slept at 9 and woke up @ 9 still tired wanting to stay in bed but I forced myself to get up.

God gave me an easy day.
Only 10 youth came .
They behaved and did their homework.

I think some of the girls were possessed because they helped clean the church after program and started singing worship songs as I played piano.

I'm confused but I guess thats ok.
_________________________________________________________

Its hard to sit back and watch.

I don't really have much time to talk to my school friends who graduated with me.
The times I do get to talk to them and see how how they're doing it makes me want to DO SOMETHING.

To somehow save them, show them the truth., open their eyes to a life filled with love and not..... crap.

but ....I can't.

Keep praying.

Weary

its been a long weekend.
so many things have happened.

I have no energy left.

Drained. mentally, physically, emotionally.

im done.
its time for God to do his work with me (as he has been doing)

Fathers

He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.
-Malachi 4:6

We had a house meeting. Throughout the next few weeks the guys will be learning on how to be fathers both spiritually and physically.

Almost all the kids grow up not knowing their dads, having their dads abandon them, incarcerated, having multiple dads or abusive fathers.

So we are called to be that role model to them.

Its funny because the way we view God comes a lot from our own fathers.

We always pray "Our Heavenly Father"
Whats the first thing that comes to mind when we say "father?"

Our own father of course~ and sometimes its not a very good image of a how a father should be like. We're not perfect.

In the program you can see the effects of having no male role model. The youth are looking for someone to look up too. They may disrespect you on the outside but really in their hearts they want your love.

That's a lot of pressure on me.
How am I going to portray what a father should be like? I'm just a boy.
but God has been speaking to me showing me a little of what its like.

Another thing is, there are just SO many kids. we have 26 and only 4-5 leaders at one time. Each youth has a different need. Its impossible to be able to care for them all on a personal level.

God worked today there was PEACE His peace and also unity and love.
Praise God.

At Risk

We had an intern class on factors and characteristics of at-risk youth.
Something huge I realized in class was that many of the people I know from the CBC youth culture would fit most or all of the characteristics on some level...even the church goers. As we discussed the behavior patterns, things started clicking in my head. I could relate to a lot of the behaviors patterns personally but I could also see them in my peers.

Its funny because sometimes we buy into this lie that people who need help are somewhere out THERE, when really they were right in front of you the whole time.

"we are all broken"
it is out of our own brokenness that we serve.
We are all equally in need of God's grace in our lives

I always knew that in my head, but its wasn't until I really got it and understood it that I was able to see people in a different light. To be able to get past my own frustrations and problems with their imperfections and realize that I'm not any better.

I have to remind myself everyday of my own brokenness so that Christ can work through me.

The work is intense. Even though its only 2 hours a day, to love like Christ drains all the energy out of you. Its easy to fall into the trap of taking it as "work." To focus on yourself and getting out of there ASAP. Its also easy to focus too much on getting things done and neglecting relationships which is at the core of what we are called to do.

"God chose to use relationships"

You gotta be in tune with God to be filled with His grace and love daily.
If your not.... if one little part of you is out of place it shows in how you interact with the kids and they watch every LITTLE thing you do and say.

So far we haven't been able to do devo's or teach the youth about God.
We can't even get them to stop playing for 2 seconds.
We have been able to develop relationships though.

keep praying.
pray that God will open up the opportunity for the team to show and teach who He is in a real way.

Decisions

The girls in the program have always been a lot of deal with. Today we were talking and we came to a hard choice to make.

Two of the girls have the worst attitudes, have crazy mood swings and they cause all the other girls to act up. Today they started fighting like crazy hitting each other with brooms not just playing; serious fighting. One of the leaders had to hold them down. We've tried everything but we haven't seen ANY change over the summer or even before. Suspension is usually the punishment that works but it doesn't work with these girls they just don't care.

Its getting to the point where we can't run program normally. We spend all our time on a couple of the bad kids and neglect the ones that behave and want to learn.
We were given the advice to "let them go." Suspend them for the rest of the year or until they're ready.

This might seem like were giving up but really its out of love.
We can't do anything if they don't want to be helped.
It hurts us cuz we know that if they're not in program they can be in a million other not so good places.

Right now we have them in the program but separated from everyone else. The problem with this is it takes up one leader to take care of them and we are already short staff and getting more youth everyday.

Tomorrow we are going to pray about this and leave it in God's hands because they're ultimately His kids.

Pray for us.
Pray for wisdom.

Detox

I have decided to do a detox.
Only fruits, vegetable and nuts for 5 days.

I want every part of my life to be glorifying to God even what I eat.

Anyways program today was .....well I learned a lot.

The first part went really well with the boys although I have to simplify my bible study stuff so they can understand better. They're your typical boys curious with no attention span.

It wasn't until I started cooking with some of the girls that things went bad.

They went crazy.

to discipline the kids is a hassle cuz you have to go through so much. A lot of the time you don't wanna bother. You have to go through the attitude and the complaining and it takes a lot of time to actually follow through.

The kitchen was a mess. I was actually really temped to clean it myself instead of getting the girls to do it. But I forced my lazy butt to go make them do it because it was for there own good and I was there for them not me.

I walk in to where they ran off to see a girl eating a stolen yogurt from the fridge which I had told her not to take earlier. As punishment I told her to wash the dishes. I then went to the supervisor and she heard me telling him what happened.
In the kitchen she was giving attitude didn't wanna do it and things just got out of hand. She went off like a black women and started yelling at me "your not the boss of me" SOO LOUD and then I snapped and started yelling to but she didn't back down and that was my mistake.

Somehow things calmed down and she went to wash the dishes.

It was then that I learned that my mindset had to be right all the time not just most of the time. The kids pick up on your attitude and how your treat them; every small detail. I'm not there to order them around but I'm there to love them and to teach them.

I went to go apologize with the right attitude and when I did all the girls apologized too with the same attitude. (woot small win I think)

Hopefully things will get better.

Marriage

We had a party today for one for of the interns and the topic of conversation that came up was marriage.

So here all the interns were talking about when they want to get married, how long they want to date for, what type of person they want to marry and where they want to go for their honeymoon.

I felt very out of place because I have no plans for the future. I'm just living life day to day trusting in God and where he takes me. It seems really pointless to me to make ANY sorta of plans, to even expect to get married or even live long enough to get to that stage in my life.

Do I want to get married? of course.
I want to experience the awesome thing God has created called marriage.
I want to love my hypothetical wife (LOL) so much that everyone is able to see the image of Christ's love for the church so that His name is glorified.

I want my "wife" to be the most loved woman on the face of the planet~

but this life is not mine.


I never thought that I would be blogging these words because a part of me wants to do a lot of things like get married and live a comfortable life.

But honestly I would rather have God and than anything else and if that means giving up good things than I guess I will have to do that although it will be hard.

"Without Him nothing is made that has been made"
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Learning soo much its hard to take it all in. Its like an explosion of candy and I'm trying to grab and hold on to as much as I can.

"give me the grace to do what you want me to do just when I need it"

I think this weekend back is going to be a huge challenge, the real test of my faith.

Can I rock what I got? or will I crash and burn?
I know that whatever happens one or the other God is going to be there.

Whacked Out Day

Today was one of those days where everything is confusing.
One of those days that makes you second guess every choice you made.

I went to the first meeting for TC Media today. How did I end up there? No clue. I was just asked and I ended up going. Honestly I never expected to be back for another year. Even now I'm still unsure of why or what I'm doing there. I guess God just throws really unexpected things at you all the time.

Right now with Urban Promise things are also a little confusing. Sure I'm running an after school program and showing the love of God to the kids but so far I don't know how my talents and gifts fit into this.Right now I feel like I haven't done much and I don't see where things are going or how they're going to workout.

The one I do know though is that God is working. I can feel Him through the people He has been placing in my life and just by talking to Him.


Even though it was confusing it was also a testimony of God's grace.

For media we had a pro dancer come give us a workshop. God really used her today to bless the team. She's an awesomely passionate Christian and just by talking to her I was able to see some of the miraculous things God is doing. She was telling me about how she feels like God is going to use Toronto in unbelievable ways because of the wide diversity of culture in the city.

I feel it too
"greater things are still to be done in THIS city"

Everyday is another adventure you never know how God is going to work. Sometimes it's "normal" but other times something supernatural and unexpected happens.
Don't be fooled by the illusion of predictable routine.

Friday Night

On Friday nights we hold a youth program instead of after school program and cook dinner for the youth.

We started a fire in the kitchen while try to deep fry fries.
but overall it was good.

I have the younger boys so its hard to go through bible study but the other groups had really good conversations.

Instead I ended up playing games with them and just talking to them there actually the most unique kids ever. Even when they're really rude to you or do whack things, you get mad but its hard NOT to love them.

_____________________________________________

I've been praying a lot for different people and tonight my friend excitedly started messaging me about how awesome fellowship was and how cool it was that everyone had a different picture of God. Her parents don't really want her to come for fellowship but she has been able to the past few weeks.

It is encouraging to see God work.

Take it Slow

The past two days have been crazy but good.

Fights broke out:

a little kid tried to whip a girl with a MOP that was like 2 meters taller than him

a boy spit in a girls face who then SMACKED him upside the head.

one of the kids tried to steal our N64 systems.

and another decided to run into a wall and cracked it.

BUT Gradually I can see the kids calming down, getting into the routine.

Getting to know them better might be able to train up a band, got some pretty talented youth PRAY for that.

Some of the other youth in the community want to go to the program but are scared of the other kids. Pray for that.

Amidst all of this God is working. I can feel the Spirit beside me, walking with me empowering me, convicting me. He LIVES inside of us. I think we don't take that fact seriously enough. I gotta stop thinking that I gotta do this or that, but just trust and be faithful in the moment God has called me in. The Spirit will work and is working according to His timing and will.

Its only been three days and things have gotten a lot better.

On another note a police officer came to educate us on the gang situation in the area. The Crypts are in the community where we walk our kids home and they're warring with another gang in Jamestown shooting back and forth. We were Just told to be careful.

Apparently some of the moms have a say in on what goes on in the gangs cuz the gang leaders come home to their moms LOL. its funny and sad.

Just Pray........ seriously.

Day 2

what do you do?

pray.

So It Begins

First day of afterschool program.

2 hours before it starts....2 of the girls in the program get arrested in front of the school.

I was told a lot of fights go on and not with the guys its the GIRLS. There are a lot of girls all of them loud and talk so much I can hardly keep up.
But I can tell that inside they really want to be loved

The guys are quieter trying to be "cool" I'm getting no respect haha.

Some of kids are so violent.... I'm scared to break up their fights

Overall the youth here are tough.
So much attitude. Its hard to believe most of them are only in grade 7.

At the end of the day three of girls were walking out the front door and we caught them trying to steal a cake from the church. They lied and told me that one of the leaders let them.... I believed them >.< Good thing my streetleader.. Prophet (you can guess why he's called that) knew there were full of it and took it away.

I'm too nice.

BUT, Despite the chaos of the 30 or so kids running around the small church
I felt calm and I couldn't help but see how awesome God made these kids.
I was able to connect and talk to one kid.

The culture here is unique I'm starting to like it, its still weird being the only asian! They wanted to call me ....chopsticks, but God already gave me my camp name:

"Vessel"

keep praying

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On another note Urban Promise is having a Celebration Night to show what God has been doing in each of the four communities!

October 30 7:00 @ People's Church
Come out and see the awesome things God is doing in the city of Toronto!
There will be food, performances from different sections of Urban Promise and yeah just good times.

I might be in it =)

Its Not About You

I woke up today with plans in mind.
but they suddenly changed because I couldn't find my bus tokens.

It was a reminder that I shouldn't be to sure of anything or plan anything too far ahead. Nothing is for certain.

It hit me that I shouldn't expect to go to university
or return to MCBC
or be able to stay in touch with my friends, family

God can call me to be anywhere at anytime to do anything.

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
James 4:13-15

It was a struggle to take this to heart.

The first thing that stuck out to me when I started to listen to a sermon on my ipod today:

"Its not about you."

We were called to love, to be humble.
This means that put others above yourself all the time no matter what.

When your suffering its easy to think about yourself to feel sorry for yourself, but thats being proud beleive it or not.

Even when your suffering you put the good of others ahead of that pain.

We are Christ followers.
Every action an thought of Christ was on others
When He was dying on the cross he didn't say things like "Im suffering, it hurts so much" or "See how much I go through for you?"

none of that.

He prayed for those who were torturing Him. He showed mercy to those on the cross with Him. He made sure that someone would be there to look after His mother.

He loved no matter what.

True Love

As I was sitting on the bus this morning, I got the answer to the letter I was given.

It was to love in a supernatural way. To love like God loves.

It is hard because when you love you take the good with the bad.
all the imperfections
when the person doesn't love you
or care.
or even hates you.

You suffer when they suffer because you care about them SOO much that you would rather go through the hurt instead of them.

God has been speaking to me telling me to love in the worst circumstances to stretch myself, to be willing to suffer like he suffered for the sake of showing His love to everyone he has placed in my life.

Sometimes during the day I can feel His heart pumping through me it overflows so much that I feel like I have to love or I will explode.

God is a God who is so full of love that he created to express His love, to share in His joy. Through God we can truly love. He is the source of life; of love. Without Him there is nothing only fake impressions of love.

And in love we can conquer sin because "love covers a multitude of sins"

Today I went to visit a church where a lot of friends that I love to fellowship with attend.

Maybe it was coincidence but while I was there something happened that brought them to tears. I could immediately feel their hurt. I didn't know what to do. I wanted so much to able to make it better for them.

I think that's how God feels with us everytime we are hurting for whatever reason but on a way deeper level. Even when its part of His plan and he knows that its for the best. He still grieves with us in those moments. It is just how much He loves us.

Taking off the Training Wheels.

Did a lot of work today. Painted the office and sorted out random junk.
9 hours! it was tiring but it was GOOD!

I can feel God giving me strength to love and to work.

I think God has been slowing taking away things in my life that have been keeping me from relying on Him 100%

family
friends....

everything.

I realize that being able to grow up in an environment filled with so much love is a blessing.

Listening to a lot of sermons everyday. Nothing else to do. Don't wanna waste my time watching other things. Its good.

Starting after school program on Tuesday. Pray for that.
Definitely will need help disciplining these youth for Christ.

No Turning Back on Love

Staff retreat.
it was intense for me.
For everyone else it was a time to relax and spend time with God, but God had other plans for me.

where do I start?

On the way up I listened to a sermon on seeing God in the everyday common things.
Every little interaction, action, person everything in life.

As Christians, I think we have the wrong idea that God can only be experienced in supernatural ways.

God is in the common the everyday. As Christians we should be constantly "waking up" to His presence to what He has been doing without us even realizing it.

I prayed "help me to see You in everything"

The first message or rather sharing was about Peter his confidence, collapse and his cry.

Peter was so confident that he would be able to follow Christ to the end on his own strength, but he failed and in that time of brokenness he cried out to God.

I think that this was me. In my head I knew that I needed God but in my heart I didn't think I needed him. I thought "its only a year not THAT long"

That night I was just really uncomfortable.

The next day I listened to another sermon on "The Story" how God is the center of all things, the main character and that its not about us.

To take this message to heart is a hard thing. We always like to think of ourselves as the main character. We hope that things will work out for us in the end, when in reality we have no control. Maybe that's why we like to watch movies and dramas because we know that in the end it's going to be ok.

That night God did crazy things.
He orchestrated everything together to the smallest detail.
I don't think I can really explain everything in words.

We were getting to know each other asking questions to one person on a "hot seat"
A lot of of questions were asked funny, shallow, personal, deep. On one occasion a question was asked that brought to surface a struggle with a loss. The person was a second year intern; she started crying.

Its funny because the songs we sang for worship were song about being happy in painful times

"Blessed be Your Name"
"Trading my Sorrows"

As we continued to worship the Spirit manifested itself in the room and it was so strong in my heart that I started crying and couldn't stop.

The message: I love you for who you are and with all your sins. I love you even though right now your holding on to a lot of things and don't love me as much as you should.

I was humbled for many different reasons.
One was just for having God's presence so close to me

I was given a note from the intern who was crying. It was from God.
The first part of it went like this:

"To answer your question:

1. When God asks you to do something hard He will stick with you as you are doing it and as you deal with it afterwards"

and so began a long night of confusion, struggles, suffering. I didn't know what my "question" was

I was so scared because I didn't know what it was that God wanted me to do. I thought of so many different thing; crazy things.
Was it something I had already done? and God was going to be there for the "afterwards"

or was it something that I was going to have to do?

The one thought that screamed in my head:
"I want to go home, I want to go back to highschool, go back to my church"

It was then I realized that I couldn't do it I really couldn't. I wasn't the main character.

but I knew that I couldn't go back I had to keep going forward and that the only way to do that was to admit that I couldn't so that God could.

Christ in the Common.
Something else I realized:

God is in every good thing. In the common. Now that I'm gone I realize that in my family, in my church at TC the love there was a part of God's love manifested. It was so common that I didn't even notice it until It was gone.

but I also realized that God has given me another family to be a part of or not another family but another part of the family UP.

The rest of the note said:

" 2. God wants to teach you and show you amazing things if you'll only listen
3. God can do anything beyond what you can imagine"

I can't do it I can't let go but God still loves me and chose me.

Work

Today we did a lot of work.
Sorted out the office and moved things out to start painting.
I really didn't want to because I didn't see the point; it looked fine to me.
I'm one of those people who can't just do things I need to know the end goal and if it doesn't sound like a good goal than its a waste of time.

On the other hand when the goal sounds like a good one I'll do it 110%.

I was tired. It felt like....school LOL. I had to push myself to work. I didn't voice out my complaints cuz you know I'm not supposed to but I was complaining in my heart which is just as bad. It was only at the end of the day when I was reminded that it wasn't for the office and how nice it looked. It was for God.

"For in him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28a

I need His strength everyday.

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On another note we get A LOT of random donations.

We got a like a donation of like 35835838 popsicles
AND A HUGE BOX OF WHOPPERS (chocolate balls, like maltesers)
Its HUGE there's at least 1000. I think more.

There's also other stuff.

People just give whatever but really, I think the kids would die of diabetes if we gave them all that junk >.<

Going to Muskoka for staff retreat tomorrow.

Closer

Today was a blessed day.
I could feel God close to me walking with me.
Got lots of good planning done, everything fell in place perfectly.
Although it was slow and there was not much work, it was good.
Met a few of the kids that I will be working with and went to the high school to see if I can volunteer there. The people and culture; Its so different but I feel the love of God pumping through me.

I might not end up getting placed in the high school but its ok its up to God.

I prayed yesterday for God to inspire me to be able to use my musical gifts to glorify His name. I wanted to be able to write songs that would be able to encourage fellow believers with their walk with God.

So today I was taking a break playing around on the piano. God's presence filled me and I started playing and singing. This awesome song flowed through me.
It came easily, not like other times when I had to work hard and struggle with my music. I got home and started to clean it up, it felt so natural took me less than 10 minutes.

I'm almost done so excited.

God answered my prayer.

I also asked for an electric classical guitar, still haven't gotten that yet :P HAHA
but it that's also up to God too.

Keep praying the hard times are just around the corner.
I want to grow more, to love more and to have wisdom when interacting with the youth.

Thanks.

Stillness in Noise

The best part of my day is when I take time to be still before God.
I love it. I learn so much and I feel energized just being able to be in His presence.

Today I was getting really worried about the bible studies I had to prepare: I didn't feel like they were that good, that they were too complicated, the youth wouldn't get it, it wasn't based on the bible enough. So I decided to pray and go for a walk.

The thing is I couldn't hear God. I knew I had to be silent but the thoughts kept coming and coming. It took me a long time to able to hear His voice. Finally I was able to calm down and sit and enjoy God.

It was then I realized a few things.

1. I was so focused on performance that the youth would GET IT and hear God speak that I forgot that it wasn't up too me how things turned out. It was up to God. My job was just to do it to the best of my ability.

2. Why do I have to wait for devo time to connect with God? Shouldn't I be constantly connected and talking to Him throughout the day? It's easy to be still when your intentional, but so much harder to be still when your doing your day to day activities.

I finished reading "The Beautiful Disappointment"
The last chapters talked about "the idol of busyness"
How our society is addicted to it. We are important when we have a full schedule and have things to DO. We're always texting or checking emails on our PDA's, listening to our ipod's, on the computer etc. We're doing a lot of ....nothing. We need to chill.

I want to be able to find God amidst the noise of life. Cuz when I'm not life isn't as awesome.

Love Story

What's your love story?
The story involving God and yourself.

Each story is unique and beautiful.

In the times of brokenness
when we are suffering the most

The Great Lover reveals Himself to us.
It is in our brokenness when we can see the most clearly;
When the truth of what we built our fragile lives on is finally put to light.

The book of Jeremiah tells of a tragic love story between God and the Israelites.

Israel has cheated on God and He calls out to them:

'I remember the devotion of your youth,
how as a bride you loved me
and followed me through the desert,
through a land not sown.

3 Israel was holy to the LORD,
the firstfruits of his harvest;
all who devoured her were held guilty,
and disaster overtook them,' "
declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 2:2-3

"If a man divorces his wife
and she leaves him and marries another man,
should he return to her again?
Would not the land be completely defiled?
But you have lived as a prostitute with many lovers—
would you now return to me?"
declares the LORD.

2 "Look up to the barren heights and see.
Is there any place where you have not been ravished?
By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers,
sat like a nomad [a] in the desert.
You have defiled the land
with your prostitution and wickedness.

3 Therefore the showers have been withheld,
and no spring rains have fallen.
Yet you have the brazen look of a prostitute;
you refuse to blush with shame.

4 Have you not just called to me:
'My Father, my friend from my youth,

5 will you always be angry?
Will your wrath continue forever?'
This is how you talk,
but you do all the evil you can."

Jeremiah 3:1-5

God doesn't get angry but instead pleads with Israel patiently and lovingly to repent. He promises to forgive them and bless them again. He warns them of what will happen if they don't come back. He doesn't want them to have to face the consequences and suffer.

This happens for the entire book of Jeremiah but....... Israel never repents.

How many times do we cause grief to Him? Yet He's always there waiting....for us.
This is our God praise His name.

but the story doesn't end there:
Israel is taken captive and suffers greatly, and in the time of brokenness She cries out:

1 How deserted lies the city,
once so full of people!
How like a widow is she,
who once was great among the nations!
She who was queen among the provinces
has now become a slave.

2 Bitterly she weeps at night,
tears are upon her cheeks.
Among all her lovers
there is none to comfort her.
All her friends have betrayed her;
they have become her enemies.

3 After affliction and harsh labor,
Judah has gone into exile.
She dwells among the nations;
she finds no resting place.
All who pursue her have overtaken her
in the midst of her distress.

4 The roads to Zion mourn,
for no one comes to her appointed feasts.
All her gateways are desolate,
her priests groan,
her maidens grieve,
and she is in bitter anguish.

Lamentations 1:1-4

The entire book of Lamentations is a cry to God. A time when Israel is in complete brokenness, desperation and hopelessness.

but it is in that time when the hearts of the people are set straight again......
and out of that comes a new hope amidst the suffering

18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:18-26

God uses (but doesn't cause) suffering and trials to set our hearts back on the right place so that He can continue His work in us. (James 1:2-4)

Before something can be made new and beautiful you have to destroy the old and ugly.

It is also during those times of pain where we grow the most and walk the closest with God..

Trust, know that he is good, have faith that He knows whats best and learn more about the Great Lover of your soul.

One With Purpose

Yesterday night I felt God telling me I should go to this event. I asked a few people to come with me but it was too last minute for them.

Today I was a little unsure. I didn't get off work till 5 and it started @ 7.
I had to go home to eat and I was really tired.
I ended up going. God provided a way and all the little things worked out for me

On the way home from work, the bus got there right as I left.
When I got home my roommate had made food for me already.
On the way there I fell asleep and woke up rested and energized.
I thought I was going to be as least a half hour late since I didn't get home till 5:35 and had to go all the way downtown but somehow I walked into the church right @ 7. The same time a friend of mine happened to show up.

Its weird while on the subway I prayed "God reveal to me a little more of your plan for me this year" I don't even know where it came from but I was soon to find out.

St Paul's Anglican was a super nice church. It was an old church that was modernized but still kept some of the old architecture.

The purpose of the night was to unite churches across the GTA to be one body of Christ
There were 11 different churches gathering to worship.
Each contributed in a different way. It made me happy to see each unique gift that the different churches had to offer.

The message:

There are 41 000 different denominations in the world.
They have split for many different reason two of them being: coulor of carpet and height of pulpit in the church. Isn't that whack?

Why do we split?
Aren't be supposed to Love as Christ loves us?
Then why do we let our differences split us apart?
Isn't love supposed to accept people as they are?

I think that part of what God wants me to do this year is to help bridge the gaps.
To get my culture to understand other cultures and in this way be that much closer to being united as Christ's body.

Its easy to love when you share the same culture and ideals. Maybe thats why there are so many racial churches. Chinese. Korean. Philipine. Irish. Greek. etc.

"but we are only called to reach out to our own people"
I hear that sometimes from the older people, but is that really biblical?
"Love your neighbour as yourself" Well when I look around my neighbours aren't only chinese!

IMAGINE how big of an impact we would have as GOD'S CHILDREN if we learned to accept, love and to come together.
If the world was able to see God's love in this way maybe they would stop calling us hypocrties who preach love but then fight amongst ourselves.

We need each other.
Divide and conquer is the scheme that satan uses.
How do you make a Christian fall? Take him away from the church

How do you make a church fall? You causes fights.
(I've seen this happen, its painful, its sad)

Why do pastors fall to sin?
Being in leadership sometimes they isolate themselves thinking they are "better" or others think that they are the pastors so they don't need anyone to support them.

Think:

God created us with unique gifts
We also have different weaknesses
When we unite we form the church.
The church consists of different fellowships and congregations.
Each of these has a different part to play in the overall working of the church
Each church as a whole also has a different dynamic, strenghts and weaknesses (you can read about this in Revelation with the letters to the different churches)
What if churches came together to look out for each other? To partner and bring out each of their strenghts and support their weaknesses. So that splitting doesn't happen out of fights but rather because of a need to spread MORE LOVE.

For example:
MCBC is a church with a youth fellowship that is growing exponentially but they lack leaders and counselors

ETCBC on the other hand has a small youth group but MANY loving mentors who help their youth to grow on a one to one basis.

The bible speaks of unity more than of Heaven and Hell
I guess it was pretty important!

A Night in the City

Tonight I was taken through the streets of inner Toronto and taught about streetlife. We were lead by an expert in the ministry; Pastor Joe. He has been working in city missions for 25 years.

I saw many things, heard many things and felt many things.

We set out at 7 around Regent park. It was a nice warm evening.

Regent Park consists mostly of Muslims. Along the streets I could see rows of Taxi's lined up; not for customers but because we were close to a mosque. It was prayer time. There are 4 elementary schools in the area but no highschool.
Why? Prejudices.
It was believed that the immigrants weren't that smart and would not make it that far at the time the community was built. You must be senstive to culture and religion when caring for these people.

We prayed

Passed through alleyways down dark streets and old abandoned houses.
We arrived on George street near the Seaton house. The Seaton house is the last resort for men on the steets. They come when they have been kicked out of everyother hostel and shelter in the city. The Seaton house has the most intensive programs. Filled with alchoholics, people just out from prison........you name it.
I've been here before, during the day but at night it was totally different. As we started walking, everyone moved to the opposite of the street away from the Seaton house. However, my curiousity got the best of me so I decided to walk right in front of the hostel. Passed by many crack addicts twitching from withdrawl, mentally unstable people talking and yelling random things and others just smoking pot and cigarettes outside. I was scared, there were a lot of people.

A little big past the hostel were groups of gangs hanging out in old houses.
"Whats up Chink?" yelled out one of them.

The air was heavy. This was one of the places where I could feel the brokenness and spiritual darkness physically and emotionally.

At the other end of George was a Strip joint. Outside I saw a few prostitutes smoking
Joe told us that when they were jonesing many of them were willing to do things for just a cigarette.

He asked "Whats your breaking point?"

Its easy to judge and we say we would never do stuff like that, but really if your desperate and theres no other way.............
If your parents abused you at home before you were on the streets........
Maybe you would think its ok.

We prayed

We walked for half a kilometer. It surprised me how everything changed so fast. Suddenly we were out of the slums and next to new condos selling for $600 000. The Hilton was right around the next block. People were dressed nicer and eating in high class restuarants.

I heard someone say later on: "Even though theres a huge difference in wealth, spiritually speaking they're on the same level"

Its so true both these classes of people needed to know God. They were trapped but by different things.

As we continued walking down the street, I noticed something different. Most of the population was dominantly men. Men dressed in flashy clothing. All the restaurants we passed were filled with men eating dinner in pairs, holding hands etc.

I felt a strong longing for love with a lack of it in the air.

Around the corner was Aid's Memorial Park. There was a semi-circle of plaques engraved with names of homosexuals who had lost their life to AIDS.

As we looked through the long list of names I almost tripped over a mattress laying in between two of the plaques. I hear a moan from a woman underneath a man and turn away quickly.

I walk to the other side andcontinue to look at the endless list of names...
2009
"J. Jarvis aka Mr.Slut2u"

Suddenly I understood: The names of the people on the plaque's were not the only victims, they all were.

Victims longing for love. Victim's trapped in a lie.

We Prayed

On the way back we saw a group of apartments near Jamestown. Were told 2 or 3 familes would share the same room.

How do we love?

I was told and learned a lot more but I guess somethings are hard to explain unless you see and experience it for yourself.

If anything the one thought that kept going on through my head was:

"I really don't know that much"

Maybe thats the attitude we should have in everything we do.

Disciple

How far does your faith take you?

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd."

The disciples had the faith to go out to sea trusting that Jesus would follow
They saw Jesus in the distance walking on water and were afraid, but Peter called out to Jesus "Lord, if it's you,tell me to come to you on the water"
With great faith he stepped out on the water and His faith took him far.
As he kept walking He started doubting himself, lost focus and started to fall.
But Jesus was right where he was falling in arms reach to pull him up.

"Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "

Aren't we all like that? When we have faith God starts to use us in unbelievable ways but then we start to doubt ourselves, think to much and eventually....fall. The awesome thing is: God knows how much faith we have and is there to pick up us right when we fall.

the disciples faith allowed them to go out to the sea
Peter's faith allowed Him to walk on water

Where does your faith take you?

Today we learned about discipleship
The way God created this to work: blows my mind.

How do I explain this?

We played a game to illustrate:
There are two rooms separated by a curtain so that you can not see into the next room from inside the room you are in. On the floor of one room is a grid. The goal is to get to the other side of the grid by finding the correct path. Only two people are allowed in at a time. The others must wait on the other side of the curtain in the next room. One person watches while the other tries to find out the correct path by making a guess. He progresses one square at a time if He makes a wrong move he is notified by someone else standing on the other side and must leave the room. The person that was watching before gets a chance and another person is sent in to watch the one trying to find the correct path (there is only one).

The whole team must make it across to the other side of the grid to win.
When one person makes it across they are allowed to help people trying to cross the grid if they ASK.

Sometimes the person trying to find the path forgets what happened before and the process starts over again.

Sometimes you mishear what someone said to you and go the wrong way

Sometimes you think you can do it on you own and don't trust in what others say

Sometimes you trust the wrong people or people who haven't really done it they just heard about it but doesn't really know the right direction

but you always get another chance.

Think about it. Disciplining?

We're all in this together to support each other and help each other.

Its easy to see someone who isn't as far as you and look down on them, instead of helping them.

God works in His own timing differently in each of our lives........
Some may be young but far ahead some may be old but just starting.

Thank God for where you are and always want to move farther to know Him more.

Look ahead to the people who have passed on ahead of you for wisdom and look behind to those behind you for support.

________________________________________________________

My other roommate plays the trumpet. We jammed it sounds SOO SICK.

Living on the streets tomorrow

Listen

Went to staff worship again today.
The message: To be there, to mourn and to listen

A lot of times when we go on missions trips or ministry we think that we are the "saviours" going in to heal the broken people. We go in with arrogance and sometimes do more damage than good. In order to help hurting people we need to understand them to listen to them and to be able to have compassion towards them. Compassion can only be gained when we realize our own brokenness. In the end we don't do the saving we just point to the One who can save.

After service we had a prayer time. I didn't pray I just prayed with the people in my group.

One of the supervisors brought a friend that was visiting from Edmonton, Candy.(they haven't seen each other in 6 years)
Short hair with streaks of blue pieced nose and under lip stud. SOO COOL!

Candy was leaving today, so Duane being the unique guy he is wanted to know a little about her before she left. He started asking random questions and we started talking.

We found out that she was 23 years old, divorced 3 years ago and was a security guard.
Shes a good fighter (something she picked up while being married to her ex-husband)
Her family is Jehovah's Witness and She was kicked out of her house at 17 after leaving the faith. Her dad will not speak to her but her mother still does.
She wants to learn guitar(she has three but doesn't play) and work on a cruise ship.
She loves it in Toronto and is moving down in January.

She told us that seeing Urban Promise opened her eyes to a world of "religion" she never knew about. Growing up in as a Jehovah's Witness she was skeptical because of the hypocrisy she saw. I could tell that seeing the love of God in UP really touched her. It was awesome seeing the seeds that God is sowing in her life.

Did some planning with my supervisor. I feel like planning for KNA all over again. Except with younger kids. We got a good foundation going.
Starting by focusing on "Relationships."

Shawn decided to let me prepare the first bible study. He usually does it for a month before turning it to the intern but he thought that I could handle it and He asked soo....I guess I'm doing this.

"Relationship with God"
YO that's a big topic pray for this.
Cuz I mean I don't even get it :S How am I going to teach on what having a relationship with God when I'm still figuring out what that means? (aren't we all?)

Another question:
Who am I?

I'm still reading "The Beautiful Disappointment"
One of the points: How much of you is shaped by the world? Shaped by the "idols" in your life? Pride, self ambition, need for acceptance?
and How much by God?

I want to be the person that God made me
but that can only happen with suffering, trials, pain
To get rid of the things that keep me from knowing God more and what He has to say to me.

____________________________________________________________________________

After one long week of isolation I finally felt it was ok to go visit a friend.
Especially since it was on my way home and my meeting ended early.
Right when I walked in she happened to have left class and had nothing to do.
I feel like that was God saying "OK you deserve a break"
Each friend I have is a blessing

I want to see people the way God does
To see each Christians as my brothers and sisters in Christ first; ABOVE all else.
and to see the people who don't know God as lost brothers and sisters who need to know Him.

"OOO We need need each other"
- Sanctus Real

We were created for relationships
God created the world in 6 days and after each day it was GOOD
but after God created man He said "it is not good for man to be alone"
(another point in the message today)

Pray that I can keep Christ as the centre of my life.
Sometimes you THINK He is but really He's not its soo easy to lose focus.

The Great Purge

Went to the ROM today
I liked it... EXCEPT THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS EXHIBIT WAS CLOSED JUST FOR TODAY
Its was fun though haha
I always marvel at how awesome God made the world.

Today was full of those moments:

"God I really need you to help me right now"
"darn why did I do that"
"Calm down and be patient"
"How do I love right here right now?"
"What do I do?"
"I'm confused"
"Why God?"

The moments that give you the choice to live for God or to live for yourself.
We get these moments everyday. I think that God has just opened my eyes to more of them recently. Each is a small battle in your life.

I dunno if I can say I passed with flying colours
but I hope and pray that as time goes on I can win each one.

As I was praying today God convicted me to get rid of my downloaded music that I didn't pay for. So here I am in the process of doing that. This will really only leave me with 1 album of song LOL but its ok I know that God is going to bless me cuz He's good.

(Hence the great purge)

Church Without Limits

Sunday night we decided to go to a more charismatic church.
The building they used was the church beside Oriole park.
"Church Without Limits"
Completely opposite from the church I went to that morning.
It was like a wild party with God instead of drugs and alcohol.

Filled with the spirit.
Young congregation mostly teens and young adults.
More multicultural too but mostly African American.

The message was about the Glory of God
and that His glory is manifested more when we let Him have more of our lives and get rid of sins that we have in "backrooms" of our hearts. He made this mind blowing connection between the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal, John the Baptist and us as Christians today.

There was a time to repent for sins and it was humbling to see how open and bold people were that they would shout at the top of their lungs as a cry of repentance and praise to Jesus not holding anything back. I want to be that bold and humble.

"This life is not mine, everything that I have is a gift"
-trying to see life through this perspective.

Thistletown Baptist

So Today I went to the church in my community "Thistletown Baptist Church"
Small building but I think there were at least 100 or more people packed in.
It was very different, traditional Southern Baptist.
The congregation consisted of Afican Americans, Jamaicans, Caucasians and some Mexicans. Older group of people. I would say most of the population was 30-60 years old with a few teens.

We sang a lot of hymns. It was cool cuz everyone was singing LOUD and worshipping in their own way.
There was a Healing time where people would go up and the pastor prays for them
A Jr. Worship time...the kids go up and the pastor talks to them in front of the congregation. uh this part made me really uncomfortable.

I'm not gonna lie the stereotypes of traditional churches in the media really got to me. It seemed like the pastor was stotal bogus BUT I forced myelf to keep an open mind and tried as hard as I could not to judge how other people do things. It turned out to eatbe pretty great. The message really spoke to me and I learned that the pastor isn't a creep he's just really uh eccentric in a good way. LOL

To end the service everyone gathered around the the chapel to sing a hymn and even though it sounds lame it wasn't.

I met a few people after service very nice and welcoming. I think this is going to be a crazy year.

Parents also came to the church (I guess they miss me too much :P) and I tried really hard to be a good kid with some success I think. It was ok, they gave me food and even though I didn't want to "cheat" why turn down food? =)
It would be such a waste.

Day Off

So today was the first official "day off"
didn't do much
slept in a bit went downtown and hung out

Parents wanted to visit tomorrow but I had to ask them not too
YES its mean I know, but I feel that God wants me to go 100% in the new life he put me in. So that means treating it as if I'm on missions far away.

MAYBE later on after I get used to things I can start to visit a little bit.
but for now only during Thanksgiving and Christmas will I come home.

Also started reading "The Beautiful Disappointment" by Colin McCartney (the Founder of UP Toronto) It is really relevant to what I am going through and also what I will need to know for the future. I thought I was going through I hard time, but he makes it look like its nothing >.<

Did a lot of thinking today: You know how sometimes you look back a few years and you realize "wow God has really changed me a lot since then"

I want God to change me so much that I don't even notice that He has changed me.
That way I can't get cocky about how much I have grown and God gets all the glory.

I think I'm going crazy getting very paranoid about things 0.o I need to calm down.

Hippobus

I have been having bad allergies for a few weeks so I bought some allergy medicine except I forgot to read the side effects. So i took some this morning and got REALLY tired. I went to explore the neighborhood and fell asleep in the food court of the Jane & Finch mall...

Also went on the Toronto "Hippotour" on the hippobus (its a bus boat)
Randomly saw a friend I haven't seen in a long time while passing by the UFT campus.
Which got me to start thinking if there was a reason I did, maybe not.
Either way It reminded me to start praying for this person again because she doesn't know God's love.

Prayer Requests:
- Need to choose placement for community work, have no clue what to do (ask God to reveal it to me)
- need to choose a camp name (I think I know what God wants it to be but not sure need confirmation)

Interns

So I'm sitting with some of the interns
and talking to some old interns who decided to visit.
Its awesome! each intern is so differnt and passioniote about God. Blessed with differnt gifts Its really encouraging.

This one intern Spencer gets random messages from God.
Sometimes God just tells Him some is going to happen and it does.

Another intern is doing His second year as an intern he is from Ireland but he wants to stay in Canada and start A Jr. High ministry in Warden Woods.

The way things are here is exactly like Acts 2
We live together share our things and encourage each other.

It cool when people start talking about God in such a real and personal way. The way it should be. I'm learning lots.

Training Manual

Went through the logistics and technical issues today.
6 hours, felt like school. The church we used was cool though Don Mills Baptist Church.
Learned a lot about Urban Promise, past experiences and background of the kids.

Also learned a lot about spotting children who are abused in anyway
Physical, Emotional, Sexual

Heavy Stuff.

Got home early mmm pizza.

On Site

Went to visit my site today.
Its a small church. We share the space with 3 different ministries
Korean Church, the local church and I forgot the last one.

We walked around the community to get to know the parents.
Its very different its hard to explain, but the communities are all very close and connected which is good i think.

One of the part time staff Christine runs a weekly bible study group for the moms.
She is awesome she didn't know any of them and was able to talk to them and arrange times to meet with them and some of the moms are SCARY! Its also funny cuz shes a small Asian lady taking to big black women =) haha She lives down the street from MCBC. Apparently she's been trying to get Pastor Joe to support the ministry but its not working. Its ok I told her to talk to Freddy LOL get the youth involved!

I also went through the basics of what I will be doing with my supervisor. Its going to be hard. Almost like fellowship but everyday with a different culture of kids...
Lots of planning but the hard part is getting the youth to respect me. Don't know if I can do that. We'll see how it goes. Pray for that.

Lastly went to an awesome BBQ tonight hosted by on of UP's major supporters. Good food. Duane Forrest is a crazy talented musician need to jam with him sometime.

So in New York a couples' dog died but they couldn't burry it because there was no land nearby so they put it in a suitcase to take to the dump. On the way it was STOLEN

LOL

Worship Urban Promise Style

Today we had a worship service for UP staff and interns. We met the supervisors for each camp. The service was very simple an out of tune piano and singing, but it was filled with God's presence. It humbled me to see people so close to God, that just being in the same room with them drew His presence in a tangible way. The message was very relaxed more like a sharing of how God provides. Wish I could tell you but too long! Each of the supervisors are really cool and unique. It is a blessing to be able to work with them this year. I know I will learn a lot from them.

The rest of the day was spent on orientation. A lot of wise things were said about the attitude of serving as a Christian. It was encouraging to hear the discussions and things that were said. It also made me want to be more Christ-like it my attitude.

Self-centered service is concerned with impressive gains. It enjoys serving when the service is titanic or growing in that direction
Christ-Centered service doesn't distinguish between small and large. It indiscriminately welcomes all opportunities to serve

Self-centered service requires external reward, appreciation and applause
Christ-Centered service rest content in hiddenness. The divine nod of approval is sufficient

Self-centered focus is highly concerned about results. It becomes disillusioned when results fall below expectations.
Christ-Centered service is free of the need to calculate results; it delights only in service.

Self-Centered Service is affected by feelings
Christ-Centered service ministers simply and faithfully because there is a need. The service disciplines the feelings (this one is HARD to do)

Self-Centered service insists on meeting the need; it demands the opportunity to help
Christ-Centered service listens with tenderness and patience. It can serve waiting in silence (my favourite)

We also did a personality to gauge our weaknesses and strengths, to see how we approach things and also to understand each other better! I am very task oriented =)
________________________________________________________________________________
Went shopping (finally stores closed yesterday) wheeled shopping cart back to apartment LOL (did not want to pay for bags) We took it back though its not far.

I also cooked. I now realize that my mother has taught me well (yes mother I thank you now) I think I am the only person who can cook in my apartment. I think I'm pretty good at this cooking thing The Germans like it :P haha

Also did some jamming one of my roommates. He plays the Caion! (drum box) Pretty sick. too bad I have no amp =(

Interesting fact: "Mushy" is a derogatory word in German 0_o
________________________________________________________________________________
Our Intern Director shared this poem with us:

The Winds of Fate

One ship drives east and another drives west
With the selfsame winds that blow.
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales
Which tells us the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate,
As we voyage along through life:
'Tis the set of the soul
That decides its goal,
And not the calm or the strife.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The attitude is so important and what is going to make or break this year.


Prayer requests:
- adjusting to new life (getting better)
- develop Godly characteristics and remove ungodly ones
- still hard to stay focused

Bonding Day

Went to the EX today was pretty boring though so we left early to hangout around Camp Peace. (Java Hut) Some of the interns wanted to see their kids. Went to see the other apartments and got a mini TV, they had an extra.
Still adjusting.

Interesting fact: Germans count with their fingers using the THUMB first not the index finger! They also call cellphones "a handy"

Got back started to do some cleaning.
Lots of garbage and junk lying around threw it all away.
Swept and mopped. The place is pretty gross and dirty.
Did not see that many roaches today though only around 5.

Its funny cuz now I have to ACTUALLY start being responsible.
I feel like a mom.

Apparently the official program doesn't start till September 26th.

Keep praying.
Thanks

Welcome to the Ghetto

ok not really.
semi-ghetto

Today I met with the other interns, There's 11 in total
1 from Ireland, 5 from Germany, 1 from Florida, 1 from Windsor, 1 from London(Ontario) and the rest from the TDot. We are expecting 2 more Australians to join us in November because of their different school scheduling. Our age ranges from 17-20.

I was thrown into a whole new environment people from all cultures, I'm the only Asian.
My apartment is at Jane and Finch the community is predominantly African American and Jamaican. I'm living with two German guys who are still adjusting to English so I have to talk slow.

While looking around my new apartment, everything seemed ok not really nice but not really bad, however I found many cockroaches crawling around the kitchen. They varied from the around the size of half the tip of your pinky finger to about 1/3 your index finger. The result of past interns not closing food off well. I soon found out that they are not only in the kitchen but also crawling all around the bathroom in fact the whole building is infested. Its not that bad though. Its not like a whole swarm. You see 5-10 crawling around and disappearing at different times. Thankfully I have seen none in my bedroom or living room. Makes it slightly uncomfortable while your doing your business though. I learned that Windex kills them effectively.

On her way in My mother saw people selling drugs at the door of my apartment, awesome now I know where to get some if I ever get too stressed ...just kidding of course :P

Another interesting fact: my balcony is above the garbage container so if I aim right I don't have to take out the trash the hard way, I can drop it right down. Same goes for recycling...I think.


Food is another issue I must cook and buy my own groceries luckily there are some old cookbooks lying around......

Lastly, the camp I am placed at, Camp Victory is the toughest out of all of them. I'll be working with youth.

Tomorrow- going to to THE EX (bonding time with other interns)
Tuesday- Training begins
Wednesday- meet the kids

Goals for this year:
1. be purified and refined, stretched to my limits and to come out a new creation in God knowing His will for me in the next stage of my life. All so that His name is glorified.
2. to do God's work and to show his love in the community of North Etobicoke

Prayer Requests:
1. To be able to get along with the other interns and to be able to adjust to the new changes
2. To stay focused on God
3. For God to reveal which few kids He wants me to care for specifically.
4. For God to bless me
5. For me to grow as a Christian

I FEEL S***TY AND AWESOME

So like always before I go into a new missionfield God owns me.
I was owned, and I feel really sad, confused, hurt, frustrated with myself and unsatisfied. But at the same time the Peace of Christ is within me.

God calls us to reconcile and to be at harmony with our brothers and sisters, before we come to His altar.

23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Matthew 5:23-24

I have taken the first step but the hard part is just beginning. I know that God is on my side for this one though, so I know that it will work out by His grace, love and goodness.

The owning comes after that, with what I expected and wanted after and what the other reconcile-ee wanted. They were different.

BUT in the end I realized that it was NOT about what I or what the reconcile-ee wanted. It was about God, His plan and what He wanted. HIS GOOD AND PERFECT PLAN for all of us; His Will.

With that I was able to give up on my dreams and plans because I knew that there's was nothing I can do about what has already happened. What I can do is trust in God that His way is perfect and to move on to keep striving to be more Christ-like in every aspect of my life.

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

God wants to PROSPER ME!
WOW he wants to PROSPER YOU

ITS IN HIS PLAN!
GOD IS GOOD

You are good, and what you do is good;
teach me your decrees.
Psalm 119:68

I know that whatever He's got in store for me its WAY better than what I have planned x839580258059 and beyond.

Right now it might not be great but I KNOW it will be beyond what my small mind can fathom or grasp.