New Creation

"Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered nor will they come to mind"
Isaiah 65:17

I read this and I got a little scared.
......everything in this life is going to be forgotten?
but as I thought about it, it started to make sense.

For we see poor reflections
we see only shadows of things to come.
The new wine is coming.

All the relationships that we have aren't real relationships. They're not even near as to how intimate, close and PERFECT they will be in the New Creation.

The food we eat
The way we worship
The creation we see now

Not even close to the REAL thing.
The truth is we will be so caught up in God and all our attention so fixated on His Holy Presence that nothing else will really matter anyways.

C.S. Lewis paints the picture so clearly in
"The Magicians Nephew" and the "Last battle"

Its weird. I read this verse and immediately excerpts from those two books popped in my head.

Follow the Beat

I give my sister piano lessons every week.
The one skill I am try to teach her to learn is how to follow a metronome.
She has gotten pretty good at it she can stay on beat 50% of the time.
It was a ridiculously hard process to teach her to get to this point.
At first I just got her to listen, then to clap along with the beat and then to count while clapping. Finally I got her to start trying to play which turned out to be a complete mess initially. I learned that its easier for her to follow the example of my playing instead of throwing her out there trying to do it on her own from the start.

Eventually we got to the point where practice goes something like this:

*starts playing stays on beat for 2 bars then slows down
Me: No stop play it from the beginning
*does it again but this time speeds up
Me: from the beginning
*plays it again and again

Eventually it gets to the point where she knows when she is off
So I tell her "ok whenever you mess up just start all over from the beginning on your own"

Sometimes she just wants to follow her own beat because its so much easier
so she ignores the metronome and zones out. Thats when I own her and tell her to start concentrating again.

She needs to get to the point where she can internalize the beat in her head.

Isn't it like that with following Christ?

Christ is the only one who followed the beat 100% and never messed up. He's the example we need to follow.

How many times do we follow the beat for a few bars and then think we've done enough and start doing our own thing?

How many times do we speed up and try to do things by works and our own strength and then need to slow down?

How many many times do we slow down and expect Christ to do everything for us and need to be reminded to take up our cross?

and every time God disciplines us and tells us "NO do it again"
Eventually we get to the point where we know when were off and can start again by ourselves. We need to get the to the point where the Words of God are in our heart so that we can follow that beat even though there may different beats clicking at different paces around us.

Trickles

Today. What a day God worked and yes praise His name! He did some wonderful work in the lives of some of those I have been praying for persistently.

I am starting to understand how this faith thing works a little bit better but just a little. We are still getting trickles though and I am NOT satisfied. I am want to see torrents! To the praise of His name!

I used to be very satisfied with trickles but now I am not.
I thirst for more. I feel my soul starving.

O feed me! Satisfy me according to your unfailing love.

We live on the very Words of God! (Matthew 4)
It sustains us! (Hebrews 1)
and it WILL NOT return empty!
just sow it faithfully repeatedly for faith comes from HEARING the message, the Words! (Romans 10:17)

Today God placed a passage on my heart that I felt like I needed to read
In the back of my heart a voice told me which part would be relevant to which person but of course I pushed that voice to the back a lot because I'm scared that it isn't the right one or I'm scared that I will be wrong (my own pride)

But I was stuck and frustrated and didn't know what else to do so I read it and they were words that were perfect to shed light on a heart that needed it.
I am so paranoid of acting in the flesh and not in faith so I do not act at all.
I think I'm still missing something here.

FAith Faith FAith

its what it all comes down too.
but am I too scared to take whats already mine?
or too complacent to fight the flesh
or both

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Alright I'm gonna seriously start getting persecuted
but honestly the more I read the bible the more I pray
the more I feel like this is what needs to happen.

I am evaluating myself testing myself many many many times
in light of the Word to see if I am operating out of the flesh
I'm talking to different brothers and sisters seeing what they think seriously taking into consideration what they have to say so yeah....

Just need to hold on........ hahahahahahaha
yo I'm crazy a fool thats the way its gotta be to be a follower of the The Way

To Love

Today I was able to share the gospel with 2 people.
I know I did it in faith so I am glad that God produced that fruit in me.
The problem is that people can't get it unless God enables them (John 6:65)

SO I need to love.

7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. made complete in us.
16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.
1 John 4:7-8, 16-17

I'm not talking about the humanistic love that comes from human effort. I'm talking about the type of love that only comes from God. The love that produces tears for the people you love. The love of Christ.

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
1 Corinthians 13

I can definitely fathom many mysteries, my faith is pretty strong and yeah I can speak in tongues (by God's grace)
but heck I DON'T HAVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

I think the grace God has given me has actually made me love LESS because I become so prideful. Which is completely mind blowing because it shows that it really IS grace and how He gives it to us even when we're so undeserving!

SO yeah I need to SEE myself as a sinner saved by grace and then see everyone else as a sinner that needs grace or a sinner like myself who is saved by grace.
I need to stop looking down on others.

What helps is remembering the cross constantly and how it paid for EVERYTHING even the pride that I hide as I think of it. The instant I think about it, my perspective on everything shifts from a feeling of superiority to a sense of thankfulness and want to show others that love and grace.

FaIL DAY

So today I came up with a sharing well basically sermon
and I prayed and read my bible
and then went to fellowship

I want to do so much more but I can`t
I want people to have the light of Christ shine in them to be filled with joy
and to worship freely!!!!
but I can`t do anything
It makes me frustrated

and one part of me really wants it but the other wants to stay where I am
I had a strong urge to just talk to a guy at the bus stop today and share the gospel with him but I didn`t I kept putting it off and so it didn`t happen
and then the whole time I was regretting it so much cuz if I`m not spreading the gospel than I`m wasting time and my life away. For serious sigh*

Revelation 20

The Thousand Years

1And I saw an angel coming down out of heaven, having the key to the Abyss and holding in his hand a great chain. 2He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil, or Satan, and bound him for a thousand years. 3He threw him into the Abyss, and locked and sealed it over him, to keep him from deceiving the nations anymore until the thousand years were ended. After that, he must be set free for a short time.
4I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony for Jesus and because of the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or his image and had not received his mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years. 5(The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended.) This is the first resurrection. 6Blessed and holy are those who have part in the first resurrection. The second death has no power over them, but they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with him for a thousand years.

So I guess right now I`m not gonna be reigning with Christ and be part of the first resurrection. Is it that bad to not be.... well only when I get there and realize that I won`t be reigning will I be like efff should`ve done more for Christ.
Its not that I don`t love God, I do I dunno I just sigh*

Aren`t we all in that boat except for the few blessed who went all out and are now with Christ and honored above everything save God Himself.

getting shot in the head....hmmm hey they wouldn`t be that bad no pain and martyrdom pretty good deal I would probably take that if it ever came down to that

but please not the stomach or the lungs (shiver)
I don`t think its healthy to be thinking like this 0.o
but lets be honest we all do.

Its Already Yours

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ
Ephesians 1:3

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
2 Peter 1:3

The truth is God has already given you everything you need to be an ownage Christian. You just have to TAKE it and start walking in that freedom through faith!
The more you ask and the more you act out in faith the more you will receive.
but be careful cuz soon you'll be doing the craziest things that you would NEVER imagine yourself doing until you look back and go "what the heck how am I doing these things?"

It happened to me today I really felt like I needed to love more so I kept asking God to pour His love into my heart so I can really love people like He does. So then I spent a long time praying/ reading the bible and then I noticed that I just started to do random impulsive things that were loving 0.o even making a complete fool out of myself by trying to talk to this random guy.

Anyways thats really small compared to what God COULD and WILL do through you if you let Him!!!! AHHHHH isn't it exciting/ scary?

Look to Zion

I see glimpses of Zion the holy mountain
People shouting, People singing
The of King of Glory dancing all around us.
All the Saints clothe in white
Shining brightly as the sun
Ascended on the mountain singing praise

O, No more sorrow no more pain,
In that moment no more fear, no more tears
O, In His presence we’re complete in that
place we are finally free, we are free

I see new Jerusalem the holy city
Pure and spotless before the throne
The Lord Almighty revealing us His face
Infinite Love, Infinite grace
Standing in His holy place
For His eternal Kingdom reigns

Rejoice all His people
His sanctuary's here forever
(He's our God
The Lord is Here
He walks among us)

Dance all His children
We're home at last with our Father
(Filled with peace
Abounding joy
His light shines on us.)

Lift up your heads, open up the doors (Look to Zion)
Let the King come in, Let the King come in

Lyrics: Evangel
Music: Evangel and Jicki

Desire and Delight

We desire the Divine
and seek to be satisfied
yet the desires we have draw us away from the Divine
this is called sin

We desire what we do not really desire
and what we desire we do not desire
because we believe that our desires are found in what we desire
when they are not. They are lies
this is why we are so lost and fallen.

14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death
James 1:14-15

All desire not born of faith is evil.
We desire what is not of God thinking it is of God
and so we then decline into a sinful state where our affections are placed on something unworthy of it.
Then when what we desire does not fulfill our desire we in desperation
seek something else and so the cycle continues moving onto another lie.

SO how do you find your true desire? (That is a connection with the Divine)
Only by faith. For we are so lost that we cannot come to a conclusion to the truth in our fallenness so we MUST believe it in faith

In desperation we call upon the name of the Lord
That is when he delivers us through Jesus by His grace!
Then when we are delivered we renew our vows to seek Him.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart
Psalm 37:4

who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Psalm 103:5

The question is: How do we delight ourselves in the Lord?
By knowing and experiencing who He is through faith by His Word and by the power of the Spirit
As we understand who He is we find satisfaction in it and so we seek more
As we seek more our faith increases
As our faith increases we change by what we know about Him
As we change we take action in light of what we know about Him to be true
As we take action He responds

Now once we have tasted and seen that the Lord is good we understand that only He can satisfy us. Yet the sinful desire still lives in us and that is what we must fight through as believers! The Lord does provide His grace for us to fight! Each step that we take towards Him, He walks with us and provides us the strength to do it! (Ephesians 1:3, John 15:7-8)

So before we were dead in our transgressions
but now we are alive
but as living beings we need to learn to MOVE
We have already been given the strength to do so
We just need to actually DO IT, to walk in that freedom, encourage other believers to walk in that freedom and be encouraged by fellow believers who have learned to move parts of their body we aren't able to yet.

We are Shadows

We appear for such a short amount of time with so many other people.
but we will all eventually be forgotten.

Think about the billions of people that live in the world now and then think of the billions who lived in history past. Have you ever thought that each culture we study were made up of PEOPLE exactly like us

People who took craps
People who had families
People who got married
People who worked
People who had friends
People who had sex
People who ate food

Have you stopped to realize that one day our postmodern culture will be studied by people just like us?

Our lives don't really mean anything when compared to the big picture.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
-Psalm 103:15-16

11For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.
-James 1:11

14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
-James 4:14

but the amazing thing is this:

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
-Psalm 103:17

God's promise to us that if we fear and obey Him He will love us FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER and we will be with Him forever and ever and ever and He knows each and every single one of us because He made us all and he loves us all the same forever and ever and ever!

The sad thing is not many people get that and so they waste their lives away chasing shadows, things that pass away and when they die they are truly forgotten because the only people who remember them are shadows like themselves.

but if GOD who is Eternal, if He KNOWS you then you have the sickest connection because once God knows you He will always know you that relationship is always there.

and it kills me how we as Christians throw that away so easily for shadows.

The Cross Fixes Everything.

Tis true.
How do you cure a prideful and a judgmental heart?
By remembering the cross and grace of Christ. You realize that it is the same grace given to everyone and so we are all equal under Christ and therefore have nothing to boast about nor have any justification to judge.

Lately I am more sensitive to the dark side of me and DAMN its ugly.
I can feel it creeping into my heart and I am powerless to stop it.
Only by continually meditating on the cross do I find victory!

Why Do You Always

look so depressed?

I get that a lot
The answer: because I am

Everywhere I go I can sense the spiritual atmosphere
and its all so heavy
I can literally feel the sins and burdens that people are holding in their hearts
I feel so burdened for fellow believers who are still in so much bondage,
for churchgoers who are still blind and I can't do anything.

I feel emptier and emptier as I grow more and more
I can see through life
See through the illusions of "fullness"
See the people who are being caught up in
and the people who are starting to feel it
I see through every pretty girl that walks by me
I see through her make up
Everything I see now is something I can't see

The Lord has given me understanding and wisdom (James 1, 1 John 3)
how can I use these things to edify the body?

I scream to God for His light to be made known!
I ecstatically yell in an unknown tongue strange, sounds coming out of my mouth
its the only way that I can express what I feel although I don't know exactly what I'm saying word for word. I know that it is a DESPERATE plea to the Lord to come and save us. (1 Corinthians 14)

Grace can only come when we are willing to receive it in humility
Everything else turns to legalism and becomes a religion
We are such prideful people that even after we receive grace we go back to try to earn it (Galatians)

I am blogging more these past few days
I won't lie I only blog as an excuse to put off praying or reading the bible

Thats all I'm doing these days
except I have slacked in reading cuz I started to listen more (which is so much more effective) but less useful in terms of memorizing. Its useful for spiritual strength like an energy bar whenever I get too depressed during the day. Which is all the time so I listen to it during the in between times.

We NEED God
We all need to understand that our life is in HIM and in HIM alone.
He holds all our atoms together
He alone satisfies us
We were made to worship and serve Him
because he is the Eternal Life (1 John) which appeared to us and has made Himself known.

So right now to some I am deluded and crazy
Whatever, Jesus was called demon possessed and crazy during His ministry (John 8)
So I am too.

but I know there are some who understand
there are some who I instantly know and feel unity with no words needed.
I sense their spiritual presence.

One thing I NEED to stop doing is gauging fellow believers on a scale
Its true I do that and I treat them differently based on their spiritual maturity
but the thing is, its not that I look down on them or think less of them, NO we are all equal before the throne of grace! Its just that they don't get it so its hard to relate to them, even when I pray with them I feel alone.

Father in heaven
That I could see and love people the way that you do.
May your love overflow in my heart! (1 John 4)

My friend's friend committed suicide yesterday.
Not a Christian
Time is clicking away
People dying everyday
Need to tell them the way

too bad I'm still too much of a noob.

Question: When did I become a Christian?

A) SO When I was about 8 I decided to "ask Jesus in my heart" at a VBS
and I lived a comfortable church life until junior high

B) When I was in grade 8 responded to the altar call at TC
and then high school started..

C) In the summer of grade 11 after getting a massive hangover I thought to myself "this is stupid I'm not doing this stuff ever again"

D) In the fall of grade 12 I started this blog and decided to "be serious"
So I started to pray a lot more and be more active in church

E) In April of grade 12 I got baptized except my testimony was a half truth
and during that summer I was a very hateful and angry person because of some serious sin in my life.

F) In September of the next year I felt convicted of my sin, didn't want to be sinful anymore so I repented and felt God telling me to give what I had been holding in my heart to Him
from that point on I prayed twice as much and started to read the bible everyday (although a lot of it didn't make sense)

G) One day while on the bus reading the bible it came to life and I was filled with a sense of what heaven would be like. I wanted to express what I felt out loud but I couldn't so it came out in tongues.

H) At TC the Spirit filled me and I started to prophesy for people to pray and that the King was coming.
from that point on the bible came alive more and more every time I read it, it made sense.


Question: When did I become a Christian?

It is so hard

To be a Christian in North America.
SO HARD.
The battle is like intense to the max but its all covered up so nicely.

There are 90393950 lies that the devil has told us within our church culture that is KILLING our spiritual lives.

Instead of getting arrested
we get too busy to pray

instead of being killed
we kill our souls filling, it with junk.

We think we're alive but we're dead so dead.
It really is hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
and I'm just as guilty except I feel it sucking my life away every second of my life......

When I read the Word and start understanding God it is complete ownage to my soul.

We just need tears lots of tears
and humility
to be at the point where we desperately cry to the Lord in our distress.
we need a Spirit of conviction. (john 16:8-10)

My Story

born in a Christian home
but Christ wasn't on the throne
always felt so alone
but never wanted to be home

church was just another formality
thought it was all about morality
thought I was a Christian
though I didn't know Him

Hate so much hate
never really did appreciate
the family that I had
always fought with dad
damn he made me so mad
anger burning anger hot like the sun
but didn't know where it came from
just flowed from my heart
cuz I had such a rebellious heart

there was this barrier keeping my heart from love
didn't even know so kept filling it with useless stuff
it was never enough

so obsessed
thoughts so messed
24/7 my mind lusting
dark thoughts run deep
of sexual intercourse in my sleep
never stopping constant dropping
didn't care about who I was stalking
finding delight in all the falking

one sin links to another and then the next
the root of that sin was in something deeper yet
something I want so desperately want to forget
Don't want to confess
My greatest regret

it started off so right
i had a set life
Inside my head I thought I had a wife
the one thing that became my soul delight
close relationship crossed the God line
Into idol territory is how I would define
started to use and emotionally abuse
blinded by possessive silent jealously wanting her all for me
raging anger cut deep, let it seep to pile up and heap
tears flowing from her eyes I would never forget those cries
except I was still pretty dead inside
so all I thought was compromise she deserved to.....die

summer came around
confused feelings didn't know how to sound
in front of her so kept ignoring her
mixed emotions anger, hate, fear, shame
deep in my heart I wish I never let the sin take reign
but now it had me tamed
so softball became my new middle name
used it to drown all the pain
couldn't think the same

Finally at the end of the 2 month hell
God had mercy and decided to ring the bell
I knew deep inside my soul something wasn't right
so I took the courage summoned up all my might
decided this time I would be a man and fight
the truth was I kept trying to hide
cuz I didn't want to hurt my pride
didn't want her to know who I was deep inside
scared that the relationship would be fried
but I confessed and finally asked for forgiveness
I saw my sin it all its ugliness
I repented and turned away
Told God I no longer wanted to be that way
and was in that moment God told me
the relationship couldn't go on it was time to move on

soul cut deep
I pleaded please just let me keep the one thing I didn't want to do
didn't think I'm gonna make it through
days flew by by
weeks went by
months passed by
still kept trying to hold on
God patiently telling me I got it all wrong
many times I lifted it in prayer
and every time he said LET GO there's nothing good here

I must confess the flesh was beating in my chest.
Trying to break me, to destroy me.
My soul desperately trying to break free.
Second by second the Spirit against my flesh
So tired I needed some rest
Heart in chaos, different thoughts filled my head
I try to go to bed but....
SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, TERRIBLE FRIGHTS
I KEPT SCREAMING FATHER TURN ON THE LIGHTS

He kept saying hang on we're almost there
I'm taking you to a better place so don't fear, I'm right there by your side.
Wipe away these tears that you've been trying to hide
I warned you following me wasn't going to be a pleasant ride.

I said I can't do this I'm done, can't run this race set out before me
Not as strong as those who ran before me.
Just let it end now and kill me

He says I know you can't do this, your weak
but I'll be the strength that you seek.

it was too late couldn't go back
No choice needed to hold on till I got there
where? everywhere, anywhere
I don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not here
I don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not here

Persevere, Persevere, Persevere Persevere, Persevere, Persevere
Persevere, Persevere, Persevere Persevere, Persevere, Persevere

Almost there? I think I see the light don't know been let down too many times
felt the Spirit
Going deep down to the depths of heart setting it right
So alone, I moan
feeling each cut down to the bone, burns like hell
paralyzed can't move
hurts so much want to puke
want to cry, can't
don't want to think, can't
forget trying to rhyme
can't express intense pain
God where the F*** is your healing rain?
being driven insane

it was during those dark times
that the I got crazy tastings of the Divine
Finally was able to see the light of Christ shine
His love overflowed in my heart and became mine

Don't know what happened don't know when
but somehow everything was burned away
to what you see today.
constant struggles
but I emerged from the rubble
God became my only hope
cuz I had nothing else in which to hope
I was at the end of my rope
I hung on
I clung on
He took everything away
So I could find the WAY
now all I have is Christ
He's my only life
everything else in life seems so vain
when I compare it to His glorious name
I live to bring Him fame
cuz I've truly been changed
everything in my life rearranged
Now only God reigns

but the story keeps going doesn't end here
keeps going till I take my last breath and finally get there
Let me tell you each day is a new battle
filled with its own trials
got a few seconds of rest
only to be pushed to another test
so many burdens weigh heavy on my heart
so much darkness don't know where to start
so many fears holding me back
so many evil spiritual attacks

but amidst these things Christ is still shining
taking ground in His perfect timing
As I carry the cross
I feel Him restoring the lost
righteousness we were meant to be
so we can look at the glory that we were meant to see
To be set FREE
and then finally be united with Christ eternally

Audio Bible

So seriously audio bible is soooo sick.
Off of I-tunes you can download all of Psalms for $3.95 and its so well done!

Anyways I started to listen to it and I couldn't stop.
It so much easier to listen and meditate than to read. I can't even explain how much God spoke to me. Its so GOOD to be immersed in the Word. The Psalms shows who the Lord is in all His glory, power, wrath and also in His great love, mercy and compassion to those who fear Him and keep His covenant (believe in Jesus)

It also shows the true heart of the Psalmist, the heart that is being developed in believer! So basically the way it was done was that each Psalm was monologued by a different actor so different genders,ages and people groups. Each person was so different yet so similar! Sometimes I could "see" the heart of a Psalm in some of my close brothers and sisters and I could picture them reciting it. Honestly it made me want to be able to memorize it all instantly and declare it. Each Psalm resonated to exactly how I was feeling. Its the words that I couldn't express before and I finally found them! At the same time they're God's Words but also David's words and the words of all the saints from the past, present and future!

WOAH doesn't that blow your mind?
SOOO SICKK!!!!

Anyways I really hope you keep on seeking the heart of the Lord and that the Psalms come to life in your life. I know for me I used to read a few of the Psalms and it was a little confusing and to put it bluntly boring, some of the lines,the intensity of some of them and the weird analogies. I guess as I seek the Lord more the more things make sense.

It only works if your dive into it with your whole, heart, mind and soul and if your heart is open enough to receive with faith what the Spirit wants to teach and reveal.

and yeah some of the revelations will be like:
efffff that sucks and some of them will be like
WOAH sooo sick.

"It is written in the prophets, 'AND THEY SHALL ALL BE TAUGHT OF GOD.' Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father, comes to Me.
-John 6:45

27As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.
- 1 John 2:27

and yeah I guess some people will be like WTX are you talking Evangel are you crazy? Why doesn't that happen for me?
Is there something wrong with me, I'm I not holy enough or is there too much sin in my life or whatever reason it is running through your head.

17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit[f] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
-Ephesians 1:17-19

Just ask for it. The riches of God's grace is open to EVERY believer who takes it by faith. A lot of the time we would rather fill our life with the world so we don't take what He wants to give.

"Come near to God and He will come near to you"
-James 4:8

Be

Joyful in hope
Patient in affliction
Faithful in prayer

Romans 12:12

its easy to walk into your church and point out 9430403 things that are wrong and should be changed.
its hard to walk into your church see whats wrong and not be part of the problem but build up in love
its easy to ignore whats wrong and pretend things are ok
its hard to take up the burden and constantly ask the Lord to change hearts
its easy to give up and stop caring
its hard to persevere and and trust that the Lord is working
its easy to grow complacent
its hard to never be lacking in zeal
its easy to doubt
its hard to hope

A church should be a place where people are hungry for the Lord and come with nothing but a broken and contrite heart
A place where people sing loudly, pray intensely, scream, shout, dance, cry for God
A place where there is brokenness every meeting but also hope and joy.
A place of unity and love because everyone is totally submitted to God
A place filled with many many prayers

and only the Lord can break us to be like this.
We hold so much pride that holds us back from experiencing the full grace of God
There are so many other things we would rather do than come to God

"Create in me a clean heart
and renew a right spirit with in me"
Psalm 51:10

"Show me your ways and teach me your paths
Guide me in your truth and teach me
for you are God my Saviour
and my hope is in you all day long"
Psalm 25:4-5

If I am Walking on the Wrong Path

I've gotten a few comments about how people think that I'm deluded or full of crap and if I am please point from scripture how I can get back on the right path instead of swearing at me. I mean were supposed to build one another up in love right?

I admit I have done nothing, Christ has done everything
I am still soo imperfect and sin everyday of my life but I am striving to run the race to obtain the crown of righteousness that is promised to those who love God.

So please let us ALL submit ourselves to God
the one things that kills me is when brothers and sisters who are supposed to be salt and light on the earth start hating each other.

James 4

Submit Yourselves to God

1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a] 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."[b]

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

Suddenly Nothings What it Used to Be

So here I was just living my life, didn't think anything was horribly wrong or missing. I believed in God I guess yeah something about the cross and yeah there was a point when I was like ok I will start trying to live for God cuz everything else seemed so ...boring and I did and things were pretty good.

Then one time, well more than one time God decided to take His.....uh hand? probably more like pinky finger and touch me and...... suddenly everything was different.
So there were the "small times" where He sorta filled me so hmmm how do I explain it He overwhelmed with His Love and instilled a part of His heart in me and then there was the time it was crazy started prophesying and then....

Suddenly everything was just wrong. Everywhere I went it was wrong. I wanted to do something about it and it made me so upset that I couldn't do much about it and even if I could it wouldn't make much of a difference in all the wrongness around.
So I guess all I could was pray and pray and pray and sometimes I just didn't know how to pray cuz my words don't do justice to how ....WRONG everything is.
and I don't like to say this but I just pick it out naturally. I walk in the room and feel this air of wrongness or sometimes wrongness being healed or in those rare occasions what I like to call "Sanctified moments" God completely owns all the darkness =)

I think I just don't know anymore.
I mean its everywhere

in myself
in others
in the way we interact
every little thing
but the cool thing is that
God's grace covers it all and HOLDS IT ALL.

So whats my point?
Well I think the point is God's grace


The point is suddenly one day God was like BAM
and I was like WOAH and I was changed.
and I pray for everyone around me that someday God will BAM them and they will be like WOAH

and its cool cuz I hear stories of people receiving visions, hearing a voice, healing people, seeing angels and thats how God went BAM for them and they're all just as good no matter how "big" or "small" God loves His people all the same so I don't compare cuz it seems to me that the big BAMS = serious hardcore calling and I'll admit it I'm a noob and would be quite alright with not having to do that.... well yes and no

the truth sets you free but it also makes you seriously depressed?
and yes there's the love of God and how good He is
but frig theres also the question why me? I'm no different than the person who lives next to me, or the person sitting next to me on the bus or the person that passes me by in the grocery store........ and then you realize thats what grace is and it makes you want to desperately cry out for God to show MORE grace
cuz really he holds everything in His hands

scary huh?

lets be serious the glory of God is just this hugeeeeee concept that I think we need each other to help grasp. So one person experiences the joy and someday down the road I will too cuz "we shall see Him as He is"
the whole Earth will be filled with the knowledge of His glory as the waters over the seas. but for now I'm just stuck with His ownagingness which is cool but you know makes most people uncomfortable cuz they don't want to hear that most of the time and it makes me slightly depressed all the time and makes me cry out for GRACE all the more cuz were at His mercy.

Last thought:
I get quite a few compliments/ encouragements and about how uh "godly" I am LOL
and I used to feel a hint of pride in that, but now I realize that its all God and rather I feel blessed that He raised me up to be a light. We're all getting there and because we believe and are chosen we're in a sense already there. Its just in this awkward in between faze that there seems to be a level difference and dang I'll be ashamed if I don't use the grace to serve God and lift others up toward Him.

for a "man can only receive what is given to Him from heaven" and "3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you."

I love to hear stories and testimonies of how God has raised up like SUPER LIGHTS to do His work haha and its really my joy to see others grow into Christ and deepen their faith!

ok I am done.