Today I...

awoke to the constant buzzing of thoughts in my head.
The familiar voice of worry and fear welcoming me into another day of grace..of life.

I did not desire to get up, but I wanted to.
or I knew that I had to, to please my Father. Thats what I really wanted.

So I asked for the strength to start the day, but it didn't come.
Instead I had to force myself get up, to eat, to go to church..it was hard to focus this morning.

I started to see God everywhere I went.
I couldn't escape Him no matter how hard I tried.

I saw Him in the beauty of the innocence of childhood as I walked my kids home from church.

I saw His presence manifested into the thing we call family as I ate lunch with the family of one of my kids.

I closed my eyes but the thoughts in my head, the breathes that I took, the sounds that I heard...They all gravitated to Him.

Finally I went home drained from the mornings activites.
My soul desperately tired though I had plenty of sleep the night before.
I found rest in the presence of my Father as He showed me the manifestation of His love in my heart.

O how I wished and longed that I could stay in His presence forever not having to go back out into the world that has deprived itself of this necessity.

and He said that I could always enter His rest. The problem was the worry and fear and the endless buzzing of other idols that I let myself indulge in.

Indulge. You may ask Evangel why would anyone want to indulge in such things?
I say because we like to play God. A cheap thrill that feels pleasant but really not for soon we are trapped in a cycle of confusion and frustration as we try to will things that we cannot will into existence.

So on the bus I decided that I would much rather find the rest of my Father.
I thought to myself why don't I thank Him for what He has given to me instead of worrying about what He will give to me.

I thank God for
being able to speak, to think, the breathe that I took, the breathe that I am taking, The bus that I am on, the life that I have, the family that I have, the friends that I have, to be able to hear, smell, touch, see, to create, to have lived for this long, to know God, to walk, to run, to eat, to love, to laugh, to be with these complete strangers....O the list is infinite

I got off the bus and entered into what we would call a time of fellowship.
I saw God in lives of those around me as I talked to them, shared life with them.
I marvelled at the uniqueness of their being.
I saw His joy in the celebration of a sister's birth 16 years, as she enjoyed the presence of those God had gifted her to be with at this point in her life.

I felt His joy emanating directly to each person's heart, connecting them in a mysterious way to Him and to each other.

I decided to visit home today.
I felt my Father's love there too.

Everywhere I go I no longer feel strange but really I feel familiar.

Sometimes I feel like an observer looking in on the outside of humanity to marvel at His glory. Then I am reminded that we are all observers of His glory and that is what makes us human.

I Had a Dream

last night.

Where I was able to reconnect with everyone who I cared about the most throughout my short life.

but it turned out to be more of a nightmare.

I woke up sweating, breathing heavily.
People which I thought I had moved on with suddenly coming back cutting me, taunting me. I wanted to cry......but I couldn't.

Some people say time heals.
I guess in someways it does but really I think we just forget.
Too bad I don't have that gift. I remember everything very clearly.
It never fully heals. It comes back in short jabs like these.

To lose someone to death
is easier than to lose them to life.

at least in death you know that the relationship you had with them will still be there in the end.

but in life you become a stranger, an observer, a stalker almost
You still love but you can't express it the way you would like to.

You feel a bittersweet mixure of joy because you know that sommeone you love is happy
and also sadness because you know that you cannot be there to really share it with them.

The human heart is fragile it was never created to experience loss of love but to always be continually filled with it.

the temptation is to hate

but

God calls us to love
and to love in an imperfect world is to hurt.

A Peek into my Head

How do I want to feel?
How am I supposed to feel?
What do I really feel?

anger? hatred? bitterness?
I want to but I can't

all I can feel is pain
"the happiness I once felt"
- C.S. Lewis

I asked God when will it be good?
He said "only when you get to heaven"

I say "eff thats a long way away"

He says "its closer than you think, soon all this will seem like so little...."

Life is ruthless. It gives you no time to stop. It keeps moving no matter what happens good, bad it doesn't matter.

"delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart"
"In your presence Lord is where I want to stay"

Only in those moments can I rest

I used to think:
"When I grow up things will be better"

but I guess the truth is ...life is hard and challenging no matter where you are.

Sometimes you want to hold on so badly to life in its goodness
but really we have nothing to hold onto in the first place.

people come and go
some stay longer than others
but really at the end
Its just you and God

Nothing we have is ours.
Except maybe our hearts.

The truth is we have no control.
Whether we like it or not

What we can control is our reaction to what does happen
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus” -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

But then again maybe we can't

I want to follow God
but I can't follow God no matter how hard I try
So i need to ask God to help me follow Him
because I know that this is the best way for me to live
Despite any outside circumstances.

We praise Him in everything because He has given us
everything we need.

That is His very presence in our hearts
Really life is about realizing that God is all that we need
more and more as we experience Him more and more
and then helping those around us know Him more and more
from the love that overflows within us from the relationship we have with the Creator.

So I feel....
well does it matter?

I want.....
Too many things

God owns my life what can I do but accept it?
I mean its not like its really mine to begin with.

"This is the air I breathe
Your Holy presence living in me"

I think I'm going crazy or I'm already there.

=)

Conversation with God

Me: God I'm too young to do this. I mean common Jesus didn't start his ministry till he was 30 and He's your Son. I should be following Him right? So I need at least 12 more years to get some life experience.

God: w/e I called Jeremiah when he was 16. I called Samuel when he was a kid. No excuse.

Me: *thinking inside my head* Ok I can still go back to high school and forget any of this ever happened. I need to get better grades for university anyways....

God: Sure go back to high school. Remember what happened to Jonah? I'll just send a land whale to eat you up as your studying . You can't run away.

Me: Father, my parents they didn't know what they were doing when they named me. They're just over religious or something... definitely had too high expectations on me. You can't take what they do seriously. AND on top of that evangelism was one of the LOWEST scorings on my spiritual gifts test. The test doesn't lie!

God: Your parents didn't name you. I did. Who's the one who made you? Who is all sovereign? Your going to let a bunch of questions tell you who you are instead of ME the Creator of all things?

Me: OK FINE but you know. I don't think I have the proper skills to do this. I'm definitely not strong enough, I'm scared of people, there's a huge list...

God: Moses, He kept complaining about not being able to speak. Finally I let him have his way. Aaron spoke for him.

Me: *in head* Ok definitely don't want to have to face further consequences, shouldn't argue.... I should just do this. Its not like I can escape God T_T"

God: See was that so hard? Aren't you glad I blessed you with the gift of the bible so you can learn from the mistakes of your past brothers.

Me: Ok thank- you God.

Mindmap of my Heart

click to enlarge....

Fallen

We shut our ears from the Holy God
Tuned out His voice, turning up our I-pods
Unquenchable desires started to burn with in
Tried to fill the void with devastating sins.
Uncontrollable lusts we yearn for more
But we don't even know what we're living for
Destroying the Earth the gift that God gave
Fighting for land sending each other to graves
Broken, dysfunctional relationships
Gossip and slander filling our lips
Logging on to facebook trying to have the best looks
The truth is we're all hooked

War torn countries living in fear
But the rest of world doesn't really care
Children starving struggling to live
While the rich sit back unwilling to give
Materialism running rampant in our society
Little kids armed with guns, an impropriety
Young girls taken sold for sex
While all we do is sit back and except
Injustice plaguing our world everyday
Humanity thrown in disarray
Creation screams in pain
Yet we continue to let evil reign

Divorce rates are rising
Morals more compromising
Corrupt advertising
When are we going to start realizing
That the way we are living is terrorizing,
Demonizing
The essence of who we are
Father forgive us we have strayed so far....

We cry out in need of a way out
Time is ticking clicking away
Were headed the wrong way
Once a Holy race in union God
But now we're a disgrace, we chase after frauds


Its easy to tell
We're all headed straight to hell

Window to My Soul

I must confess the flesh is beating in my chest.
Trying to break me, to destroy me.
My soul desperately trying to break free.
Second by second the Spirit vs. my flesh fighting
So tired I need some rest
Heart in chaos, different thoughts fill my head
I try to go to bed but....
SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, TERRIBLE FRIGHTS
I SCREAM FATHER TURN ON THE LIGHTS

My Father, He says hang on we're almost there
I'm taking you to a better place so don't fear, I'm right there by your side.
Wipe away these tears that you've been trying to hide
I warned you following me wasn't going to be a pleasant ride.

I say I can't do this I'm done, can't run this race set out before me
Not as strong as those who ran before me.
Just let it end now and kill me

He says I know you can't do this, your weak
but I'll the the strength that you seek.

its too late can't go back
No choice need to hold on till I get there
where? where? everywhere everywhere, anywhere anywhere
I don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not here
I don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not hereI don't care, but not here

Persevere, Persevere, Persevere Persevere, Persevere, Persevere
Persevere, Persevere, Persevere Persevere, Persevere, Persevere

Almost there? I think I see the light don't know been let down too many times
feel the Spirit
Going deep down to the depths of heart setting it right
So alone, I moan
feeling each cut to the heart, burns like hell
paralyzed can't move
hurts so much want to puke
want to cry, can't
don't want to think, can't
forget trying to rhyme
can't express intense pain
God where the F*** is your healing rain?

being driven insane
!@!()@#**!^&#&*(#_*(_*#()
#*()#**)#(*#()*()*()#*()#*()}#*
#@#(__(!)#(+!#*()$&&*^&^&^&


Daddy says
I feel your pain.....

and I wonder is this what it means to suffer for Jesus' name?