Sharing

So I wrote down my sharing word for word.
It was weird usually I just wing it and have a few points but time I decided to write it out. I dunno it I like it though it feels weird reading off a paper.
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As I was preparing to start with Urban Promise raising support talking to different brothers and sisters. I remember talking to Chung about it and he something like this
"Your either gonna come back tough or come home crying like baby"
and there were times when i felt like going home but knew I couldn't give up and somehow God has brought me through this far.

The night before I left. God spoke to me clearly. He said this "Evangel I want you to give everything up and follow me"
I could barely sleep that night cuz the Spirit's conviction was so strong and from that point on it was a constant battle in my heart.

So suddenly I'm placed in a different culture, environment it was hard to take everything in. On one hand I was placed with a bunch of different interns from all around the world so we had to develop our own intern culture there and then I had to figure the jamaican/ black culture in Toronto. I felt so close to home yet soo far away.

So I 'm praying "God why am I so alone?" and God's said "You prayed for this, you want to get deep with, you want to be more like me then you gotta learn that' Im all that you need all that you'll ever want and even if I choose to take everything away you'll still be ok. You have to learn to be completely dependent on me"

I told God "I was just joking I didn't know what I was praying for. I don't wanna do this just give me another year, Im still just a kid"

God like "Too bad your already mine and I'm never letting you go. You can't go back"

Evangel "I'm like yes I can watch me"

God said "You can either go through this trial like a man or you can try to run and I'll drag you kicking and screaming through it, your choice"

Before we started program we had a staff retreat and during that time God revealed some heavy sins that were still plaguing my life.
He filled me with His Spirit and I was overwhelmed to the point that I started crying, shaking. He said this "Evangel I love you so much just as you are but I love you too much to leave you the way you are" Then he reached down and started to do some crazy heart surgery telling me what I had give to Him. I started freaking out I told God "I can't do this"

and it was dark times, painful but I don't think I would change it if I had the choice because it was during those times where God really revealed Himself to me in deep ways.
I remember one night, woke up at 3 am couldn't sleep. So what else to do than sing to Jesus and as I was worshiping the Spirit spoke to me and impressed His heart on me. "Evangel did you know that every second of the day I cry because of sin.It hurts me to see my children all around the world suffering because of it" I felt the weight of sin in the world in my heart and God's sorrow filled my being. I started crying God's tears uncontrollably. Its hard describe. It was heavy though. After that I passed out and slept like a baby till the next day.

Another time I was doing my volunteer placement helping a grade 1/2 split class and suddenly the Spirit filled me and started to talk to me. I was actually a bit confused. It was hard to translate what He was trying to say to me at that time. So I took walk around the school and I saw a few Catholic Priests doing confession with the kids at the school. At first I was like "God do you want me to go rebuke these deceivers of the truth?" but God was like "No I don't hate these people but I hate sin how It deceives people, lies to them and robs them of something so much better that they're missing out on" I felt God's righteous hate and anger burning in my heart.

So first few weeks of camp. I was a bit intimidated. The kids were wild they would tell me to leave, swear at me. The first day of camp 1 of my girls got arrested for breaking and entering and In my head I was like what? It sorta confirmed every prejudice I had in my head already. So I was pretty lenient when it came to disciplining I let a lot of things slide thinking that it wasn't going to change, but as my love for the kids grew I started to get stricter, meaner. I wouldn't let my kids get away with anything and they'd hate me even more for it. It didn't matter though I loved them more than what they thought of me I just wanted them to learn to do what's right cuz I knew it was whats was best for them. God imparted this verse to me "Train a child up in the way that he should go and when he grows up he will not turn from it" When I think back on my own life the adults who were the "meanest" to me were actually the ones that loved me the most.

and through learning to love my more kids God has shown me so much about himself

When my kids are good doing homework, helping to clean around the camp, not doing anything else wrong. My heart melts I want to bless then and do so much more for them. I love being able to sit down and watch my kids do good.
and I think how much more does God want to bless us when we're obeying Him? How much more is He watching us from heaven with a smile on His face?

But when my kids are acting up. They just stole something, disrespecting me, fighting with each other whatever else. I tell them to stop for own good cuz I don't want to punish them. I'll give them a few warnings hoping they'll listen but sometimes they'll just abuse the grace given to them and do something worse and then I'll have to suspend them. Then they'll tell they're never coming back, this camp sucks.... but they always do cuz deep inside they're drawn to the love of God that's there.

How much more does God show us His grace? When we sin He desperately waits for us to come back to Him. I think of the Israelites and how many times God pleaded with them to turn back to Him He gave them so many warnings and then finally He had to smash them.

Other times at camp I'll force my kids to do things they don't want to do. Make them sit down and correct their homework or do extra work, clean up around the camp

and they'll fight me every step of the way. Its hard for me to see them struggling through it especially the homework. A lot of them get so frustrated cuz they don't get how to do it and the messages they get around them are so negative that they've just given up, they don't care. but I know that in the end its good for them so I make them do it.

A lot of times God makes us do things we don't want to and it hurts, it doesn't make sense to us, but we need to trust that He can see the bigger picture and that in the end it's going to be for our good.

Somedays I'll wake up and pray "God I don't feel like loving these kids today, they're annoying, ungrateful. I'm tired I need a break"

I'll be struggling with my own personal issues and whole lot of other stuff and then God will say to me "Evangel just do it I'll be the love you need to make it through today"

and somehow from the moment the first kid walks through the door God's love just flows through me and at the end of the day I'll be amazed at what God did through me.

Otherdays I'll say to myself "forget this, these demon children deserve to go to hell" and I just want to give up cuz it feels like I'm planting seed but the devil keeps taking it away.

and then God would say to me "Don't you dare give up on my kids. I never gave up on you. I fought for you from the moment you were born so don't you dare give up on these kids"

During the first few weeks the hardest thing to do was to see each kid as a person loved by God, created in His image and not judge them by their actions.

but as I started to get to know them and really get into their lives I started to see why they act the way they do.

-a lot of them have no fathers, so both the guys and the girls will push you if your a guy because they're looking for that role model to look up to, There's a lot of pressure there on me. In everything that I do I'm being watched.

-one of the kids at camp he didn't really know his father but he found out that his father who lives in Jamaica got shot in the face the other day, one of the other kids started to make fun of him and he attacked him. How do you care for a situation like that?

-As part of getting into the community I volunteer at the school most of my kids go to. The truth is most of the teachers don't really care. I'm trying to talk to them about ways we can partner together to help my kids and as I'm talking they'll basically call my kids stupid. They'll pretend to care cuz its their job but I know their just trying to get rid of me. Some of them do genuinely care but there's too many kids to give them the attention they need. So the teachers just give them enough to move to the next grade so they don't have to deal with them.
One of my grade 8 guys only reads at a grade 3 level. He can barely put sentences together.

At home the kids don't get the attention they need its hard for a single mom to care for multiple children.

One of my girls shes lives in a small apartment with 9 other siblings.A lot of the time the kids are ignored at home left to take care of themselves. I remember during debrief time one of leaders told us one of the girls said this to her when she asked her what was wrong "My mommy doesn't care about me and it breaks my heart" and she was dead serious.

One of my other guys lives a 15 minutes walk away or that's what he told me. We decided to drive him home one day and it was more like a 30 minutes walk maybe longer.

We asked him why his parents couldn't pick him up. We found out that his mother died when he was young so he lives with his father and brother but his father has to work a lot so doesn't have much time. He used to come to camp telling me he's hungry and at I first I thought he was just playing me, but after talking to the other guys at camp I found out that he eat lunch most days because his dad forgets to pack it.

Another one of my girls she's a role model, gets good grades, listens to directions, never talks back. One day we noticed that she had scratches all over her face and we asked her what happened. She's wouldn't tell us but we told her we were going to find out one way or another by calling her mom or teacher. She told us when she gets angry she hurts herself.... This girl is only like 10-11.

I kept digging into their lives. Had a conversation with one my streetleaders whose been in the community for awhile
-He told me about some of my girls who were involved in some heavy sin
-when I found out I was like no way not my girls. I know they're rude but they would never be into that stuff there only kids
-One of my girls went missing from camp for a week and we asked her where she went. Turns out her 17 year old brother just had his first kid and she was at the hospital. Can imagine that? Its like Sam over here popping out a little in a few months. Fatherlessness Its a cycle and its not easy to stop.
-my older guys the relationships their in. They tell us they don't want to handle the girl but they stay in for what the girls allows them to do.

and sometimes I want so desperately tell them "what are you doing you don't need any of this junk all you need God He's your Father He's only thing that you''ll ever need, all that you really want" Friday nights we do a youth group and they'll tell me they have to leave early or they'll come late and I know they're going to some party or to go hangout with some other friends

and I want to force them to stay but I can't. They have to make that choice

So all I can do is pray:

"Father I ask that these kids grow up to know you, to walk in your ways, open their eyes to who you are to who they are, protect them from evil and bring healing to their broken lives."

One night I was really questioning God about the sin, brokenness, hurt in the world, especially after the earthquake in Haiti. I was like "God are you really sovereign? Do you really love us like You say you do in your word? Or do you just let things happen and whoever comes to you comes to you?" and I knew that I was so wrong that I shouldn't question God but I couldn't stop myself it just kept firing away in my heart..... and then I dunno how to describe this but this wind filled my head and God revealed a minuscule amount of His power to me. I got so scared. I was like "I'm sorry God I'll never question you again. I'll trust in you. I felt like Job when God came and rebuked him for complaining about what he was put through"

Usually when people do sharings about things going on in the missionfield they'll be some struggles and then they'll be a good ending of God doing something amazing. I'm sorry guys I can tell you that I have seen some the kids improve in their behavior and a few of them really want to know God more and that's awesome but its not like people are coming to Jesus left right and center. It seems to me for this year anyways just when I feel like I've gone through the fire and I'm about to get out, God just turns the heat up. Right now we're barely surviving at Camp Victory. We're down two supervisors one just had a baby unexpectedly early and the other left a few month ago due to illness. One of my streetleaders had to be suspended for safety reasons. We weren't given the details, but this streetleader he was the guy that all kids looked up to. I looked up to him. His camp name is Prophet. Sometimes we'll be doing a bible study and he'll be like I've just received word from the Lord and he'll say something crazy. The thing that gets me the most is how the kids will respond when they find out he has to leave. He's been in their life for so long and for them they've just had so many people come in and out of their lives to them its like another person who "gave up on them." So this past week I ended up running camp alone and it was pretty crazy. They finally made the decision yesterday that they had to close it down for the next week or until my supervisor can come back.

We need more leaders. I want to do so much with my kids and really get to know them, but I can't if I'm the only person there. I'm trying to teach one of my kids how to measure angles with a protractor but then I'll have to stop because 2 of my other kids are fighting with each and its just one thing after another. I can barely manage to make sure everyone is ok.

If there's one thing that God has impressed on my heart throughout this half year its this:
35For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.
-Mark 8:35

From before we were born God already determined what gifts he would give to us, what people He would place in our lives, what country we would be born in, how much material wealth we would have. Everyone on this earth is given something. Some more than others

As people we like to hold on to what we have so we start doing this and the more we try to hold on the more we actually lose what's been given to us
I'm holding on as hard as can. Its only when we learn to let go and surrender everything to God that we actually save what we have.
and sometimes God will bring us to a point where we're like this but then we'll start to do this again and when we close our hearts up. God isn't able to give us the blessings that He wants to give to us.
And God may say I want you to give up your father, mother, children, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple" Luke 14:26 Maybe He'll ask you to give up a comfortable life, your hopes, aspirations whatever else
He may choose to take everything He gave to you away......but if you stay like this and keep your heart open to Him you'll realize that you actually have everything.

Its hard I know and for the longest time I was struggling with this. I knew somehow I had to get from here to here but I didn't know how to do it. At first I tried forcing myself to get there. I was telling myself ok Evangel you got to do this so stop holding on........ but it didn't work and then God spoke to me and said "Evangel stop trying so hard. You don't have to do anything. All you have to do is trust in me. I'll take you where you need to go" Isn't that such a relief?

and its scary at the same time but I know that I would feel so much worse not abiding in the will of my Father cuz I want to please Him. I want Him to say that I've done good. I want to hear "We'll done good and faithful servant, Come and share your master's happiness!" and as God has just worked I started to see how blessed I actually was. Even I though was separated from those I loved the most God' has really brought all of us interns together as a family. Its amazing to see God's love cross over so many cultures despite all our differences uniting as His body. I'm reminded of the story in the bible where Jesus' mother and siblings are trying to talk to Jesus but there's too many people crowding Him. Someone tell Jesus his family is looking for Him and Jesus says "Those who hear the word of God and obey are my mothers, sisters and brothers"

God has brought me a long way but He keeps telling I still have a long way to go.
Something he's been teaching me is how to respond in love and not react out of anger. Usually at camp I'm pretty good with controlling my anger and being patient but one time my kids just pushed it. It was the first day we started giving them extra homework. I don't even know how to describe how they were acting but I ended slapping one of them on the back of the head. Its not like it was hard or anything or that I really wanted to hurt him Some of the moms tell us "if my kids are misbehaving I give you permission to beat them" and we joke about it but seriously right now I'm in some trouble for that. They decided to suspend me from camp for awhile. I dunno whats gonna happen. Some prayers for this situation would be appreciated.

To end off I just wanted to encourage you guys to serve God.
I can tell you right now that there's a huge need at Urban Promise for some soldiers willing to fight for the Kingdom. If you don't have plans for the summer why not come devote one week, two weeks to serving these kids doesn't matter how old you are. If your graduating high school or in university and you want to do more for God there's an awesome summer intern program you can be a part of.
I'm not saying that you have to serve at Urban Promise I don't want to seem like I'm pushing it on you guys God definitely doesn't need us to do His work, but I'm asking cuz I want you to experience the blessings of God. How good it feels to live for others and love them more than you love yourself. We were made for it.
I used to think that I needed to hear a specific calling from God to serve Him and that would always be my excuse sometimes He does call us specifically. I know for me doing Urban Promise this year It was a clear specific call, but God also gives us a lot of choices in life. I can you that the more you invest in God the more He'll invest in you. I think I receive so much more out of serving my kids than what the kids that I serve receive.