So today I went for a job interview except I found out it wasn't until NEXT Tuesday.
I read my bible, memorized some passages read and through commentaries on John chapter 11 and some of 12.
What did I learn?
That basically every single little thing we do and think is sinful like 99.99% of the time. Even when we're doing good things we sin because we excess in it.
How did that make me feel? Well a lot more thankful for God's grace but a lot more paranoid about everything I think and do. It sorta made me want to hide in my room forever.
Obedience, why can't we just obey God?
Why is it so frigging hard? The ONE thing that He wants us to do in our life is the hardest because its the thing we DON'T want to do the most.
So I prayed about it or tried to except I started getting paranoid about the way I was praying. Thoughts like:
was what I'm praying about in line with God's will? or was it just a ranting of my sinful nature.
Do I really care about the people I'm praying for?
I should be more repentant for my sin! So why aren't I?
Am I praying for them properly?
How exactly can I pray for them?
I mean if we don't know what we need and God only knows then uh.... WHY do we pray?
I shouldn't be thinking of other things as I'm praying! STOP
filled my head so it was a huge distraction and then I felt sleepy so I started walking around to keep my mind focused. Anyways I don't think it was a productive prayer session where I really connected with God.
I think I kinda forgot that sometimes its not how or what you pray for that's important. Its the attitude that you come before God with.
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
It blows my mind that God wants us to come to Him in prayer. That He asks us to pray continually to Him with all kinds of request. To not be anxious about ANYTHING but to PRAY. Its a privilege!
When I think about it, a lot of my prayers are selfish, not fully focused, demanding, rude, disrespectful, arrogant, angry
But... The Creator of the Universe still.... hears me?
(Not that He does what I ask. He always ends up smashing me so I'm in line with His will. It makes me feel soo convicted for ever questioning Him)
Prayer is one huge mystery. It does so much that we can't see or even feel sometimes. Until we look back and go "WOAH I can't believe how much God has changed me through prayer. I can't believe He answered all these prayers that I prayed " Honestly, the more I pray the more my prayers become things that a part of me doesn't want to pray for and the more those prayers are actually answered. God says remain in me and then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Its true. (John 15)
Its hard for me to get around the huge concept of God's grace. (we definitely abuse it too much) Because Jesus died we can approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need
(Hebrew 4:16)
